Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I was confident enough to wear a pink, all velvet track suit with a fanny pack.

   high school led us to believe that so much of our adult working lives would require poster board

   When a solicitor calls, I just hand the phone to my 8-year-old and tell him this nice lady wants to hear every last detail about your Minecraft village.

   I smoke weed on my porch as a warning to all the other weeds

   I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

   For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours

   My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough. Now he can hear the voices too.

   peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

   I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

   Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish. Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

   When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don't deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you've done.

   “Did you just walk past my house, you piece of sheet?” - dogs

   him: you’re not like other girls me, at the urinal next to him: how

   this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed dummycrat loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

   “Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

   Canadian cattle can now legally graze on cannabis plants. The steaks have never been higher.

   I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I've been on in 4 years.

   KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal Me: Family?

   I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it's hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.

   If I had a pet unicorn, I'd probably just use it to carry my donuts around.