mtq Funny Status Messages

   Someday we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

   Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

   It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

   Ever wonder why some people wait 'til they're in their cars and stopped at traffic lights to pick their noses?

   When a thief kisses you, count your teeth.

   I walk into the 7/11, and the female clerk says, "You look JUST like my fourth husband!" I said, "Really...you've been married four times?' She goes, "No. Three."

   One of my first jobs job was at an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

   I remember something traumatic from when I was two days old. The Doctor performing my circumcision looked at me, with knife in hand and said, "It won't be long now!"

   Was driving a van full of women to a Jimmy Buffett concert. Saw a sign that read 25 MPH. I thought to myself, "Twenty five Menopausal Parrot Heads is right.

   Camping. Camping? Listen up Mr. and Mrs.Field and Stream...My idea of roughing it is a Motel 6 with no cable.

   I'm a walking Economy. My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of the two is putting me into a deep depression!

   THIS JUST IN: CHILD ACTOR BUCKWHEAT HAS CONVERTED HIS RELIGION TO ISLAM. HE WILL NOW GO BY THE NAME, "KAREEM OF WHEAT''. FILM AT ELEVEN.

   I go to a Weight Watchers meeting. I dump out a carton of Whoppers malted Milk Balls on the floor. The next thing you know, I'm watching a live version of the Hungry Hungry Hippos game.

   Why does this thing tell you that you have 24 letters left, then when you post it's incomplete? e

   Florida: Those computerized hurricane forecast models are ridiculous. You could give a 4 year old a map and a crayon, and they'd come up with something almost as inaccurate.

   I like my women like I like my cheese. White American singles.

   Damn deceptive thumbnail pics. You think you're seeing some hot little sweetie, then you click on it to enlarge the thing, and it's a cake!

   I saw an ad on TV that settles the age old query..."What started the universe, God or The Big Bang?" I come to find out in a 30 second commercial that the Solar System is powered by a Jimmy Dean Sausage Biscuit.

   Don't you know it's rude to talk while I'm interrupting?

   I love it when a fat person says, "That's the way I roll."