minnie haha Funny Status Messages

   I just realized that since my birthday is in January - that means I was probably conceived on April Fools Day....that explains a lot, actually

   I get speechless whenever I see a heavy woman wearing spandex, usually because my tongue gets tied trying to say "Blubber hugging lady leggings".

   Advice please. I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had “you win” written on it. Do I celebrate with white wine or red?

   AACK! I just realized that I'm still "it" from a game of tag in 1996. Ohhhh it is ON!

   well..... so much for my 'not killing time with Facebook' resolution.

   I've just invented a wireless, battery-free, hand operated hair-dryer.....I think I'll call it a 'Towel'.

   Contrary to what you may think, my moral compass is not broken. It just happens to be pointing toward hell

   Where the heck is that "Polka" button on Facebook that everyone keeps talking about?! I have my accordion and I'm ready to boogie.

   News Alert for New Years Eve!! Government warning!!! According to the Surgeon General: When women consume alcohol, it impairs their ability to say “no”! So.... who's buying me a drink?

   Kiss me ~ it's midnight somewhere.

   Bourbon is the elixer of the gods. Therefore, I'm not an alcoholic - I'm divine.

   This man's so impressed with my driving that he got next to me just to show me he's not wearing a ring. Thanks hon, but wrong finger..

   My ornaments are starting to droop. Yeah, time to ask Santa for a new bra.

   Never trust a Chia Pet.....don't ask.

   I survived the Mayan Apocalypse and all I got was this lousy hangover.

   Does anyone know what an 'Ofah Queue' is? Because that's what my husband said he got me for Christmas this year.

   The next time you come across a Mayan making a calendar, leave him the f*** alone!

   As I scroll through my FB feed this holiday season, I find myself overcome with emotion and love. And then I remember I've had a lot of tequila and eggnog and I pass out on the floor.

   Yo, Australia! Is the apocalypse happening? I need to know if the orgy I'm currently having is validated or if it will just make my husband upset.....

   I made it through 1/1/1, 2/2/2 all the way through 12/12/12! Whoo-hoo! I'm feeling pretty invincible....Bring on 13/13/13!!!