andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.

   if I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer couch

   If my attitude towards people was the same as my attitude towards dogs, I'd be a lot more tolerant of jerks if they were good cuddlers.

   Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder.

   It’s 2015, why don’t we have hover-boards yet?” he typed into a pocket-sized device that can do everything

   Does anyone shoop anymore?

   In the 1984 Ratt song Round and Round, the singer belts out the lyrics "What comes around goes around. I'll tell you why." But for the rest of the song, he never DOES tell us why. So... I'm looking for some punitive damages out of this 31 year old false p

   Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don't want to go to prison.

   That girl who sells seashells by the seashore is a moron

   Just my normal Saturday, trimming my bonsai tree and teachin' the new kid in my building some karate

   I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.

   People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.

   Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

   My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there's lunch brought in for everyone

   "What's a good kind of medicine to take for my health?" "I'm not sure. Hey there's Larry the Cable Guy driving a jet ski onto land. Let's ask him."

   FACT: Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.

   my life is like Jurassic Park but with no dinosaurs, just the part about a fat guy who resents his employer

   my anaconda wants what the heart can't have

   "This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel

   "You're a tall drink of water." "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."