Mickey Funny Status Messages

   Dan Marino's Love Child: There were no DNA tests. This came about when the mom saw the kid throw her bottle across the room in a perfect spiral hitting her dead center in the face every time.

   Rosie O'Donnell just won the Green Award for Conservation. It only takes two tablespoons of water to fill her bathtub.

   My girl sent me to the store to get her some pads. Brillo good?

   G0D has granted me the Midas Touch. So far today, everything I've touched has turned to gold. Wha? Oh. Heh heh. No more Cheetos for breakfast.

   Was it THAT wrong writing, "To my sweet little Butter Face" on my girlfriend's Birthday card?

   If I were Superman, I'd forget about Lex Luthor, and instead, beat the living $hit out of every a$$hole who's ever abused a child.

   Here are my 4 favorite quotes: " " " "

   Happy Hump Day means zip to the 15% who work weekends, the 30% who do six days a week, 8% unemployed, 10% disabled, 15% on call, and the 20% who are retired. To the 2% that this actually applies to....bl0w me.

   Nicky Minaj is like Tang. She's dry, orange, and nobody actually likes her.

   If you use expressions such as: "My hubby ate four of the cupcakes I made...the little piggy!" Please delete from your friends list.

   Why is everyone so down on Manti Te'o? When you get right down to it...all relationships are imaginary.

   The new season of American Idol displays all the calculated, boring insignificance of every season that's preceded it.

   I told my hillbilly neighbor over and over, "You CAN'T go on someone's facebook page who lives in another country and type 'Dang foreigner!' in the comment box!"

   Okay, so I signed up for Missionary work. Here I sit in Uganda and still no sex. Sheesh!

   Beauty is directly correlated to 3D...Darkness, Distance, and Drunkedness.

   I had a minute left on the car vac timer, so I vacuumed out my dandruff. If that isn't efficiency, I don't know what is.

   Today's date officially marks the twelfth day of Christmas....So, except for the Nine Ladies Dancing, Eight Maids-a-Milking and the Five Golden Rings...it's all going back to Wal Mart. Especially that squawking, annoying, Partridge in a Pear Tree.

   I never order a Happy Meal. I order three. And yes, I get the toy. I eat it for the fiber.

   They should rename Hockey "H0nkey", 'cause it's one of the last major team sports still dominated by Caucasoids. Thank G0D.

   I'd be concerned with making a concerted effort to not write '2012' on my checks if it wasn't 2013, and the fact that I haven't written an actual check in over 10 years.