Mick F Funny Status Messages

   My father was right up there with Einstein in the Science department...She taught me all about TIME TRAVEL "If you don't behave, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

   I met an old Air Force guy. He said the first time he was gonna jump out of a plane he was scared. He said the Captain told him to jump, or he'd stick his d**k where the "sun don't shine". I go, "Did you jump?" He said, "A little."

   Satan came to me in a dream and asked if I was afraid. I said, "Hell no, I married your sister, didn't I?"

   Love my new job. It's at a work free drug place.

   I went to a pizzeria yesterday that puts marijuana instead of oregano in their sauce. I ended up eating 30 pizzas.

   How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it.

   Baskin-Robbins just sent a memo to Rosie O'Donnell-"Thanks to you, we're down to only 5 flavors!"

   Stop using Jesus as an excuse for being a narrow-minded, bigoted a$$hole.

   Someday, I hope to be able to afford an iPhone...like the girl in front of me paying for her groceries with food stamps.

   I'm more confused than an infant in a titty bar.

   I'm more scared than Barack Obama at a Willie Nelson concert.

   All of my old friends pretend to be content upon a shelf. They've all got little lives and little wives and little lies but little else.

   My girlfriend and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft.

   I keep telling my friends, "Stop being so sexist....don't you know broads hate that?"

   I'm not rude...I just wasn't taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can't stand.

   If more people...instead of stirring the pot, would smoke it...the world would be a happier place.

   I Rock, Therefore I Am. I'm Stoned, Therefore I Have the Munchies.

   Guys...Wanna feel appreciated by your woman? Tighten all the the jar and bottle lids in the house, then leave for a day or two.

   The DC Earthquake was caused by direct reverberations from the opposite side of the Earth. It's from China jumping up and down in anger when they realized they're not gonna get their money back.