KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   "It's not what it looks like!" - said when something is exactly what it looks like

   I love Facebook like Angelina Jolie loves to fill out adoption papers.

   My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.

   Don't get out of bed, it's a trap.

   Don't be freaked out that I'm knocking at your door. Haven't seen you update your status for a few days, and just wanted to make sure you're okay.

   If naps had a taste, I bet they'd be so delicious.

   The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that's weird.

   According to my khaki shorts, I need to give a couple more shakes after peeing

   Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.

   You know, Microsoft, if you had called it Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. Example: I just Banged Catherine Zeta Jones.

   When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.

   I have an actual date this weekend so if any of you are in love with me, you better say something or forever hold your peace.

   If you don't put nipples on the letter o when there's two of them next to each other, then you're no fun and we can't hangout. B⊙⊙bs.

   I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.

   I've tried everything to get to sleep. Well, except that thing where you shut off your phone and close your eyes, but let's not get crazy.

   I bet guys are getting better at finding the clitoris now that pubes are extinct.

   The sex was great, but I faked the cuddle.

   I just wrote "your" instead of "you're", now I have to knock out my teeth and live in a trailer.

   I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

   The sun rises with coffee and sets with whiskey.