JOser Funny Status Messages

   I've lost most of my hearing, but it's okay because it turns out the only thing people say to me is "nothing, nevermind."

   The cost of a stamp is going up 2 cents. I'll e-mail all my friends and let them know.

   Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

   I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women h

   You post one little joke saying you won the lottery and Facebook finds you 1,347 new possible relatives.

   for every action there will be someone to have a complete overreaction.

   I honestly don't care if you think I'm crazy. You're just a figment of my imagination anyway. Coffee:

   beer doesn't make me post better Facebook Status updates, it just makes me not care what you think of them.

   So yeah I just went outside and I'm pretty sure I won't be doing that again until at least October.

   "Hangover" makes it sounds like it's all done now. I'd like to propose the term "hanghappening".

   "Leprosy can't be all bad. It has "rosy" in its name!" -super positive counselor at a leper colony

   I suspect my Girl might be OCD because she performs a few bizarre rituals. For example, she just made our bed. Who does that?

   I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance mama...

   I'm on the best diet ever. It's called the "I'm too hungover to eat" diet.

   When your favorite song comes on and you excitedly say "Yo this is my jam!" You should know, I die a little bit inside for knowing you.

   My front door mat actually says "Come back with a warrant."

   "Grandpa's ghost hovers all around the house. It's scary!" "He's not dead! And that's his Hoveround power chair!" "Well, he smells dead."

   The squirrels are mocking me by doing that spiral-run-up-a-tree thing. They know I wish I could do that and how stupid I look when I try.

   Suffering from male pattern drunkenness.

   I didn't call you crazy. All I said was, "you look like you might own 400 cats"