GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Don't block all of your haters. Leave one or two so they can report back to headquarters.

   You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch really isn't that bad. It's kind of manly, makes us feel like we are out camping... with a really angry bear nearby.

   As a kid, I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wonder how the scarecrow could talk without a brain. Then I got social media.

   Everyone needs a friend who they shouldn't be allowed to sit next to at a serious function.

   Get my tires rotated? Uh, pretty sure they rotate while I'm driving but thanks.

   I had a dream I was at work. I woke up and called in because I ain't working twice.

   The three stages of life: Wanting stuff... Accumulating stuff... Getting rid of stuff.

   Men marry a woman, hoping she's a nymphomaniac, and in a few years, the nympho leaves, but the maniac stays.

   You know it's going to be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order on you.

   Please pray for my wife. Nothing is wrong with her. She's just married to me, and I am a lot.

   And yet again this morning No one was standing Next to my bed Saying Your Royal Highness here is your coffee.

   McDonald's is the only restaurant I know that repeats everything you said and still gives you the wrong order. 🙀

   Arguing with me is pointless, I knew I was wrong 10 minutes ago. I'm just trying to make you mad now.

   My ex just texted me, "Wish you were here". She does that every time she walks through a cemetery.

   I'm excited to announce that I have completed the first item on my bucket list. I have the bucket.

   Money can't buy you happiness. But somehow it's much more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

   I need to watch it as I've started having road rage behind the wheel. But sometimes I get road rage walking behind people at the grocery store.

   It blows my mind that NASA is able to receive data from 4.67 billion miles away but I lose Wi-Fi signal in my kitchen.

   I'll give credit where credit is due but I ain't gonna applaud a fish for swimming.

   At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.