GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Companies need to stop making employees feel guilty for taking vacation days and time off just because they failed to hire a sufficient amount of people.

   Do the Chinese realize when visiting the USA they're buying souvenirs made in their country?

   I really think it's time to take the warning labels off everything and let stupidity work itself out of the gene pool.

   If I truly posted what was on my mind, I'd most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now.

   First rule of family gatherings, always bring your own vehicle so you can leave when you want.

   Black Friday special!!! Stay at home and save 100%.

   Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Don't forget to set your scales back 10 pounds.

   This Christmas instead of gifts I'm giving everyone my opinion. Get excited!

   To all the people that couldn't stand me this year, just letting you know next year is going to be even worse.

   Someone stole my identity... And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said, "So sorry man. Hope things work out".

   I don't know who needs to hear this. But just because it is on sale doesn't mean you have to buy it.

   I'm not a magician. But I once turned a back rub into a kid and a mortgage.

   Today's advice: sing Christmas songs at work until they send you home.

   If there is no sound in space, is a fart on earth louder than a supernova?

   I bet giraffes don't even know what farts smell like.

   My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. It's ridiculous because I didn't even know it was her birthday.

   My ex told me: You'll never find anyone like me. I said: That's the goal.

   A moment of silence for all the friends I've lost on social media because of the stuff I post.

   Officer: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I kinda feel like that's your job.

   I'm really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. I'm really glad you can see 92 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!