Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Saying the word “awkward” in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it

   If you say “Kanye” in the mirror three times, he appears, pushes you over and starts screaming his own name in the mirror.

   When speaking to me please use the words "basically" "actually" and "literally" or basically, I actually will literally not understand you.

   Actual quote from a girl I met my 1st day of college: "I would have tested out of English but I had too much other things to do."

   Just told my dog "Don't walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don't.

   When I was growing up, families actually did stuff together. Things are so much better now.

   My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.

   Men: if your woman makes you sleep on the couch, use the cushions to build an awesome fort and then hang a “no girls allowed” sign

   Time heals all wounds. Except sucking chest wounds. You should see a doctor about that.

   Suggested Transformers 4 movie poster slogan: Your Suspicions Are Correct, We Hate You and Think You Are Stupid.

   I bet I could win a gold medal for 'least amount of Olympics watched.' But I'll never know if I do.

   I bet a tough part of fielding calls at a poison control center is not finishing most of your sentences with "...you unbelievable moron."

   Peyton Manning's forehead is large enough to show an Imax movie.

   Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders

   I blame my farts on the dog so regularly that now every time I let one rip, she slinks away in shame.

   If movies have taught me anything it's that all car chases eventually lead through a fruit stand.

   I cover up my bathroom noises with high pitched screaming

   I went to a pool party in 1998 with the time listed as 5-? on the invitation. I'm still here. Wrap it up guys there's so much I haven't done

   What's a pirate's fave letter of the alphabet? Trick question. They are illiterate savages whose purposes are ill-served by the written word

   The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.