BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   One of these is not in my bed right now: 3/4 Empty 1 Liter Crown Royal Bottle... Online FB Friends... Lap Top... Cold Pizza... Vaseline Jar... Naked "Bridget the Midget" Blow Up Doll... Me... Self Respect

   Has anyone found my black box yet? I'm kinda curious to see where it all went wrong?

   I've heard the song 'This Is How We Do It' like a million times, but it's still very unclear to me.

   Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

   Whenever someone says "Oh you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"

   Nothing says "I mean business" like using a shopping chart at the liquor store.

   Seriously, how come they're not called tampoons?

   Yeah, I followed a dream once. Turns out, the Harlem Globetrotters "don't really want" a 6th member named "Whitey McBiscuits".

   "Couples wearing matching outfits is a hate crime".

   Before the Internet I could just move to a new state and start my high school women's gymnastics coaching career all over again.

   Parenting tip: If you beat one child with the other child you can tell the Cops that they were just fighting each other .......... You're welcome.

   I like to eat at Brazilian restaurants because there will be no hair in the food

   n't sending a girl to drama class kind of like sending an Irish kid to drinking lessons?

   CRAP!!! I just dropped my Android, are you guys alright?

   Sorry officer, Jesus took the wheel right after turning all this water into Budweiser

   How many girls it takes to change a light bulb? 4 if you count the one taking and posting the pic to Facebook

   Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.

   I just accidentally made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips in the urinal next to me ... I think I need to kill him now.

   If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you're one of them

   It's so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office playing on Facebook.