@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   I see they have blocked the Internet in Egypt. No more online pyramid schemes then?

   We were at the shopping centre and I caught my reflection in a shop window, I thought to myself "F-k me I've lost loads of weight!" The girlfriend hates that nickname, but I found her eventually.

   Once Liverpool sell Fernando Torres they are going to put an offer in for Andy Murray - They've never seen someone hit the net so many times in 90 minutes.

   Whoever said that laughter is the best medicine has obviously never had broken ribs.

   BBC News: Couple remarry 57 years after divorce. God bless Alzheimers.

   I think the NHS cutbacks have gone too far... I didn't even get a f-kin sticker at the dentist today.

   A cancer patient only has one wish, to get better. I know that 97% of you won't post this as your status, but my friends will be the 3% that do. In honour of someone who died, or is fighting cancer please post this for at least one hour.

   I've started a new exercise regime. Every morning, before I get out of bed, I do one sit-up.

   Little Jonny got kicked out of class today! The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?" Apparently "3 BJs and enough left for a kebab" was the wrong answer!

   Jordan says, "I'm devastated, Alex has left a gaping hole in my life." Come off it Katie that's been there since your early teens!

   I'm a much better fighter now that I have a blackbelt. I was f-kin hopeless when my trousers kept falling down.

   Kate Middleton asks the Queen the secret of a successful marriage. The Queen says, "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off."

   really thinks there should be an option on Facebook to 'like' someone's status but not be reminded every single time someone replies on it!

   BBC News: David and Victoria Beckham expecting fourth child. Oh wait, no, she's just eaten an apple.

   If you were naked in bed, laying between Cheryl Cole and Alan Carr, which one would you face and which one would you turn your back to?

   Sky Sports – “David, you are planning a return to the Premier League, you have only ever played for one other team being Man United; have you thought about the stick?” David – “Yeah, she'll get used to it, she loves London.”

   “How depressing, it's so cold and grey,” said the wife. “Well, it is January,” I replied. … then I noticed the dead elephant lying in our front room.

   At work today, my self-conscious colleague was getting paranoid about her weight, "I am so fat! Look at me, I am the definition of obesity!" she cried. I replied: "Don't be daft, come, grab two chairs and we'll talk about it."

   Me and my girlfriend are having a communication problem. Every time I ring, her husband answers the phone.

   These days, there are all sorts of people who get shortened names. For example, Jennifer Lopez gets called J-Lo, Susan Boyle gets called SuBo and some people call Simon Cowell something like SyCo. I don't think Pete Doherty will go for it...