@The69Sheriff Funny Status Messages

   Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.

   They say "You are what you eat"... so maybe we should eat skinny people.

   If your music has been featured on "Jersey Shore" your band needs to break up.

   I bought a goldfish... named it after my ex-girlfriend and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

   There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year... play it safe and call in sick tomorrow.

   just cut in front of a guy wearing camoflage waiting in a long line and when he said something about it... I told him I didn't see him.

   How have Hoarders and Antique Roadshow not joined forces yet?

   Any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying... They haven't left yet.

   doesn't know what the problem is... I keep drinking 6-packs but my abs never look any better.

   If someone says "I'll get back to you"... it apparently means "I'm going to forget we had this conversation."

   Grandma... I know the words are similar but you "butt dialed" me... you didn't "booty call" me.

   If you listen closely... you can hear the gas pump tell your kids' college fund to go f*ck itself.

   I will never understand how someone could kill in the name of religion... or unfriend me on facebook.

   No matter what your Chinese symbol tattoo says... I'm going to assume the translation is: "Please think I'm cool."

   if you let one of those dancing roadside Statues of Liberty do your taxes... your refund will be a hammer and a bag of tangerines.

   Considering the millions of people using Facebook... someone somewhere must be typing the same word at the same time as I am... so... JINX!

   Can you imagine how terrifying it would be to actually NOT know the difference between your ass from a hole in the ground?

   don't pee on me and tell me it's raining... pee on me and tell me you love me.

   One tub of crisco... One body pillow... One box of condoms... One cashier... One wink... One awkward moment.

   An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.