Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Q: When can women make you a millionaire? A: When you're a billionaire.

   Thanksgiving is the only time a Califorian can see a natural breast.

   The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements, which included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later?

   I am already ashamed of some of the things I will be doing over the festive holiday.

   When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.

   Don't worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. You should worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving. Have a Happy Thanksgiving. :-)

   I took my introverted turtle to an orgy and he immediately started coming out of his shell

   Just remember Satan worshipers, he got his a$$ kicked by some Georgia redneck...

   Lets all say a prayer for Bill Clinton after watching the Monica interview his holidays will suck

   Don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 15 pounds before eating your Thanksgiving dinner. Happy Thanksgiving :-)

   Had a wonderful drive last night with my super model girlfriend as the wind blew through her hair doing 125mph in my Lamborghini convertible on the way to my Monte Carlo Villa until the garbage truck outside woke me up.

   I don’t have any nudes but can I interest you in a picture of me elbows deep in a bucket of fried chicken?

   I wonder where Noah kept the termites on the ark.

   . Two little boys Tyrone and Leroy who are friends are arguing on the play ground. Tyrone said my daddy can beat up your daddy. Leroy said no he can't, your daddy is my daddy too.

   NASCAR would be more fun to watch if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.

   Builds elaborate structures while playing Fortnite. Can't make own bed in real life.

   Sometimes I wrestle with my demons . . . other times they just chase me down the street after I steal money from their wallets.

   OMG I can't believe I just did that. I called someone without texting first to see if it was ok that I called them. Yikes!!!

   Never eat a cucumber out of a single girl's refrigerator. That's all.

   Looks like I picked the wrong week to adult.