Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.

   Don't worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. You should worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving. Have a Happy Thanksgiving. :-)

   I took my introverted turtle to an orgy and he immediately started coming out of his shell

   Just remember Satan worshipers, he got his a$$ kicked by some Georgia redneck...

   Lets all say a prayer for Bill Clinton after watching the Monica interview his holidays will suck

   Don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 15 pounds before eating your Thanksgiving dinner. Happy Thanksgiving :-)

   Had a wonderful drive last night with my super model girlfriend as the wind blew through her hair doing 125mph in my Lamborghini convertible on the way to my Monte Carlo Villa until the garbage truck outside woke me up.

   I don’t have any nudes but can I interest you in a picture of me elbows deep in a bucket of fried chicken?

   I wonder where Noah kept the termites on the ark.

   . Two little boys Tyrone and Leroy who are friends are arguing on the play ground. Tyrone said my daddy can beat up your daddy. Leroy said no he can't, your daddy is my daddy too.

   NASCAR would be more fun to watch if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.

   Builds elaborate structures while playing Fortnite. Can't make own bed in real life.

   Sometimes I wrestle with my demons . . . other times they just chase me down the street after I steal money from their wallets.

   OMG I can't believe I just did that. I called someone without texting first to see if it was ok that I called them. Yikes!!!

   Never eat a cucumber out of a single girl's refrigerator. That's all.

   Looks like I picked the wrong week to adult.

   I've started visiting orgies dressed as a Ninja-Turtle! I'm really coming out of my shell these days!

   So I now have 921 friends on my friends list and I just wanted to let you know that you are all awesome people and I love each and everyone of you!!! <3 Except #631

   spending Thanksgiving day with your obnoxious relatives something to be thankful for?

   A recent study found that the possibly of work place violence increases significantly when someone puts Christmas music on the office radio in mid-November.