Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 699 of 6382
A tv show for anyone over 40 called “So You Think You Can Hear”
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06-16-2018 11:40
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Turns out wasps aren’t calmed by smoke like honeybees are and now I have an arson charge
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06-16-2018 11:26
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I identify as being "rich", but when the check comes, I'm identified as "not being so".
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06-15-2018 02:02
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Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
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06-14-2018 18:14 by Jake
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Evidently, Miracle Whip is not an intuitive substitution for Cool Whip. I know this now.
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06-14-2018 12:46 by Mediadude
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I date younger women because watching hope fade is a huge turn on.
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06-14-2018 12:33
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If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
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06-14-2018 07:14
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I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
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06-14-2018 07:10
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In a society with more dumb people than smart, democracy becomes a serious problem.
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06-14-2018 05:02
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Will there soon be a trump beach hotel in North Korea
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06-14-2018 03:52
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Ladies, you can tell that your boyfriend really likes you when he removes the dirty dishes from the kitchen sink before peeing in it.
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06-14-2018 03:23 by Jake
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My girlfriend hit me in the face with a bottle of Johnson and Johnson 'No More Tears' shampoo. I'm claiming 'False Advertising'!
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06-14-2018 01:01
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Most licenses expire..... Except for the one most husbands wish would.
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06-14-2018 00:43 by Jake
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The National Animal Research Center just completed a Study as to why squirrels run under cars..Turns out they are the Married ones...
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06-13-2018 17:56 by Gerry
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Play boy no longer have nude models...... What is this world coming to.
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06-13-2018 15:07 by Jake
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Burger King is changing their name to Pancake King.
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06-13-2018 10:26 by DJ
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I hate people who take drugs. Customs agents, for example.
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06-13-2018 09:13
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Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was a tense situation.
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06-13-2018 09:12
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There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
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06-12-2018 23:02 by Cicci
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The kid next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard ..... time to go mow my gravel driveway.
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06-12-2018 09:40
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