Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't usually cook... does anyone know how much vodka to put into mashed potatoes

   Establish dominance by waiting until your wife serves the turkey and then tell her you already ate.

   What if we boil the lettuce first?

   I talk a lot about sex for someone who doesn’t remember it.

   Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

   Maybe I talk to myself because I'm my own therapist

   A man in a bar sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He says to her, "nice legs." She says "you realy think so?" The man says "oh yeah, most tables would have collapsed by now."

   Why do saudis wear a pizza tablecloth on their heads?

   Ha ha suckas....Pie and Cake are safer to eat than salad!

   It's that time of the year when stores play that rapey "Baby It's Cold Outside" song

   Why is trump pardoning a turkey? Did it murder a journalist?

   A train station is where trains stop. A bus station is where buses stop. At my desk at work I have a work station.

   "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

   Wild Turkey on the rocks helps to cope with your relatives on Thanksgiving.

   Thanksgiving is a good time to give people the bird and tell them to stuff it. Happy Thanksgiving. :-)

   Always choose a proctologist with a good butt-side manner.

   Q: When can women make you a millionaire? A: When you're a billionaire.

   Thanksgiving is the only time a Califorian can see a natural breast.

   The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements, which included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later?

   I am already ashamed of some of the things I will be doing over the festive holiday.