Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only way I'll watch Jerry McGuire is if you show me the money

   I don't know what they paid Tom Hanks to be the conductor on the Polar Express, but I've been on the bus during local school field trips and he ain't making near enough money.

   My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

   I want a chiropracter to crack my body like a like a glow stick during a hurricane

   How the hell did we get to the point where the guys who killed Bin Laden are the bad guys and the guys who financed 9/11 are the good guys?

   Every time I'm put on hold for longer then 10 minutes and a recorded message says "Your call is very important to us!" I cant help but wonder how long I'd have to wait if it wasn't very important?

   I prefer to think of myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word.

   Sometimes I think I need to be in a mental institution, then I look around and think that maybe I already am.

   Some people like set an example. I prefer to be a warning.

   Word of the Day: Hippocampus - A college or university where a significant number of students are overweight.

   Not so great minds also think alike!

   Just cleaned up my friends list, so if you can see this post it means you've made the cut because your special!....or my worst enemy I just want to keep an eye on.

   MIRACLE-WHIP IS SALAD DRESSING NOT MAYONNAISE Restaurants stop putting salad dressing on my sammiches !!

   The Chicken is offended that even after all the jokes, the crossing on the road is still named after Deer .

   I bet the astronauts were bummed when they found out Tang was just something they drank in space...

   So what caused GM to beg for a bailout 10 years ago. I am sure it wasnt bad management

   People ask to meet for coffee so they can pick my brain almost every week. If you don’t want to pay for consultancy I don’t have a brain.

   My friend hates it when I put his chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers. He gets his snickers in a twix.

   My grandpa was so competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last, he said, "Staring contest......GO".

   When someone says "Only God can judge me" what they are really saying "I know it's wrong but I still don't care."