Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   (Overheard from the other room) 8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich? Grandma: Did you eat all your supper? 8yo: No. Grandma: Just one then. 😂

   Some of you are going to keep trusting the system until your pronouns are was/were. 🙁

   Either someone’s smoking pot or it’s a skunk! Lmao 😂

   Forest Grump: And just like that, having classified documents was perfectly acceptable. 😆

   I’m going to need some of you guys to start getting weirder, I cannot keep pulling all the weight like this. 😏

   I’m all out of snacks. What else do people do for fun? 🤔

   Marriage tip: Make sure your wife always accommodates to your needs. "Honey, when you finish using the bathroom, you need to put the toilet seat back up".

   I went to a store that sells classic record albums. The sign on the door said "All Sales Vinyl."

   NO! I didn't fall on the floor! I attacked it with my wicked ninja skills! Aren't you jealous?

   According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.

   Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

   It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

   Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

   if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

   Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

   I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

   You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

   Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

   me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* so sorry

   Your face makes onions cry.