Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For sale: Slightly used Christmas tree. Can pick up in front of neighbors house.

   When it comes for the New Year's count down, raise your left leg. That way you'll start the New Year out on the right foot.

   I understand that in every life a little Rain Must Fall, but what I don't understand is why does it always happen to me the few times when forget to close my car windows?

   At least mansplaing only takes a few seconds. Womansplaining can take HOURS!!!!

   All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

   A message to whoever stole my shoes while I was playing in the ball pit at Chucky Cheese yesterday.. GROW UP!!

   May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!

   Sorry I followed your minivan for thirty miles. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ended.

   My New Years resolution for 2019 is to be more assertive if that's okay with you guys?

   That's it, After tomorrow at noon, I will be taking the rest of the year off.

   A word of advice guys, When a girl says "Aw that's that's very sweet of you" when you ask her out on a date what she's really trying to say is "Back into the friends zone with you!"

   When a girl says "Aw that's that's very sweet of you" to a male friend who asks her out on a date what she's really trying to say is "Back into the friends zone with you!"

   For Sale.. 2019 gym membership Willing to trade for a case of beer and a large pizza...msg me for details...

   My New Year's resolution is to be more social by deleting all my social networks.

   I should ask all of my exe's on a scale of 1-10 how good of a boyfriend I was...and then totally ignore anyone who doesn't say 10 cause I cant stand liars

   "It's December 26. Happy Valentines Day!" - a store near you.

   my New Year's resolution is to exercise (my right to be lazy)

   Loving and all these Christmas photos you're posting of your families who look as joyous and festive as the family who came with a picture frame I bought a while ago, who I also don't know.

   Wednesday is the new Monday and Thursday is the new Hump Day.

   Happy Confused Camel Day!!