Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 688 of 6382
“I have a taser in my purse” - me flirting
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07-08-2018 10:17
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Why isn't anyone at this beach lowering their sunglasses to check me out?
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07-08-2018 10:11
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If you call your parents by their first names, we can’t be friend.
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07-08-2018 09:59
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A movie about dating a person in their 20s would be called 2 Fast 2 Curious.
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07-08-2018 09:57
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I just apologized to a chair for walking into it. Let's focus on my manners before you judge my sobriety.
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07-08-2018 09:47
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Dating in your 20s: I love you so much. Let's get married! 30s: We get along pretty well. We should live together? 40s: I guess you can stay the night but don't touch my damn stuff.
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07-08-2018 09:34
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They say that opposites attract...... So I'm looking for a drug adicted unemployed drunk girl.
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07-08-2018 04:05 by Jake
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Got gas today for a $1.39....... unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.
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07-08-2018 03:59 by Jake
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In a galaxy 40 billion light years away some alien dude is saying, “but I’m not like the other guys,” while an alien lady rolls all 37 of her eyes.
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07-08-2018 00:30
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Alert and sober is no way to go through life.
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07-07-2018 10:54
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People who say "This is the final straw!" You know you can always go to McDonald's and steal some more right?
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07-07-2018 00:18
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Women have foreheads so you have somewhere to kiss them after a BJ .
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07-06-2018 20:13 by Jake
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When prince charming kisses a teenage girl in a coma he's a romantic hero. When I do it I'm a pervert.
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07-06-2018 20:08 by Jake
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Last year I received 87 birthday wishes via facebook, text and phone. This year I received 98. That's an increase in popularity by 12.64%. Stocks going up.
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07-06-2018 18:27
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Order Food, Eat Food, Put on a MAGA Hat, get kicked out, don't pay
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07-06-2018 13:39
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ME: these fireworks are so quiet WIFE: those are palm trees
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07-06-2018 09:34
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You know your house is dirty when people wipe their feet when they are leaving.
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07-06-2018 04:38 by Jake
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What’s it called when your hard work doesn’t pay off?
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07-06-2018 02:19
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Neymar has great potential to become a Hollywood star for performing art.
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07-06-2018 02:01
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FIFA refs should issue pink cards for flopping.
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07-06-2018 02:01
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