Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. After Brett Kavanaugh walks in the room, there's no more bottles of beer on the wall.

   Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

   Her: "Undress me with your words." Him: "There's a spider in your bra."

   Doctor: “Sir....” Patient: “It's MA'AM. I identify as a female” Doctor: “Okay Ma'am. You have testicular cancer”

   In this cold weather, it's hard to give people the finger when you're wearing mittens.

   I miss the days when the worst thing about Trump was just his hair.

   I guess I shouldn't have used Comet® to wash my car. I've been working on it for an hour and I've only begun to scratch the surface.

   If whales are so smart, why do they swim so close to Japan?

   Why is a person who came in second place in a race be the winner.

   Why isn't the Super Bowl on Saturday? My Sunday party plans end about 8pm...

   Just got a call from some Woman in Idaho. She wanted to know if I wanted to take a chance on an Indian Blanket? What does that mean?? I hung up. Last time I took a chance on any kind of blanket, I ended up with three kids and a mortgage.

   Who died and made Pelosi king?

   My mother inlaw standing in front of a mirror: "I feel fat and ugly." . Me to make her feel better: "Well at lease your eye sight is good."

   What if we used to be able to make wishes but then someone wished we couldn't?

   It sure seems like a lot to learn before a second rodeo...

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

   Got my DNA test back from Ancestry.com. They sent me a pack of seeds and told me to start over. FML.

   Kat Schwartz is an excellent name for a British hooker. If you agree please vote at five one eight nine five one four six zero two. Snap me.

   Strippers always say they’re just trying to feed their kids, but get super pissed when you throw cans of green beans & KFC coupons at them.

   When I was a kid we use to have wonder at times who are real friends were, but nowadays all you have to do is delate your facebook account and see who calls.