Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I'm at the bank depositing my nickel and dime bags... I told them I'll be back later with my papers... to open a joint account. :)

   I'm having an identity crisis... I can't afford to be me... Can I be you? You're cheaper.

   This morning when I awoke I rolled over, smiled at the beauty that was there beside me , gazed into those beautiful brown eyes and said, "Good Morning Sexy." I knew it was a good idea to install that mirror by the bed.

   You're welcome. Not sure what for yet, but I'm bound to say something awesome that'll make your day sooner or later.

   I am going shopping today. Well, I don't wanna go but this girl I'm stalking is on her way there so I have no choice.

   #1 thing to do today: Run into a store and ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell "It worked!!!" and run out cheering.

   You look familiar to me. Are you the person that my parents warned me about? If so... do you wanna get a room?

   After a night of heavy drinkin' there's one thing I can't stand... and that's up.

   3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((

   I'm laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I'm in "downward facing chalk outline."

   Someone told me to get over myself so I did a backflip, but then I just landed in more AWESOME!

   I got fired from my job as a bingo caller... apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" was a pathetic way to announce the number 69.

   A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early today and get hammered.

   I'm pretty sure that if I get married, the only place I'll bother registering is the liquor store.

   Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, so I uploaded my debt and my kids.

   What's the name of that Eminem song where he's all mad and sh!t?

   Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time. :(

   I think Hotel California was written about Facebook.

   All I need to know is, listening to your girlfriend with both the ears open is multitasking right?

   I've finally collected enough rats asses to give to everyone on my list.