Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I changed all my clocks but I forgot to change my watch. So now I can't find it, because it's like, in the past, man.

   I still remember the time when I was working at a zoo and my boss fired me simply because I left the lion's gate unlocked, I mean who can steal a lion.

   You'll install an anti virus on your computer but not on your kids?

   I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

   My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch... And then eat seven dinners.

   It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

   My prediction for the upcoming week: You will have many WTF moments.

   If walls work. Then tell that to the Kool-aid pitcher.

   Love that feature facebook has that saves so much time scrolling the news feed you can find by going to settings then scrolling down the menu to the last botton on the bottom called log out.

   Had the most amazing dream of my life last night I feel as if was like a revelation that could change my life and possibly the lives of millions of people around the world for the better forever! if I could just remember what it was about?

   News flash for Jack and Jill: You don't go uphill to find water.

   Elvis Presley moved Priscilla to his house when she was 14 years old. Where's the outrage over this?

   Daddy, do I really need secret security clearance to give the president a hand job?

   daylight saving time starts sunday. Translation tired for a week.

   If you fill a Whoopee cushion with gravy it adds a new twist to a classic practical joke.

   When I die I hope my life doesn't really flash before my eyes. There is some $h!t from my past I'd rather not see again.

   Welcome to your 40s, you don’t even know why but you’re angry.

   Our first lady will be doing a live show. Will there be a pole involved?

   It looks like you're trying to defend someone's policies, would you like to turn on Caps Lock and disable spell check?

   I have a very rigid exercise routine, involving daily jogs to the fridge to see what I have to eat.