Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cop: You ran someone over. What was your motive? Me: Auto.

   Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me. Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend. Wow you’re fast.

   being #1 isn't always the best, the most popular pencil is #2 .

   It's funny, when my wife gives me the silent treatment. She actually thinks it's a punishment.

   I'm afraid if I start working out I'll be too sexy

   What does it mean when you drink an entire bottle of gin by yourself?

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

   ATTENTION: Due to BBQ setbacks, my ripped beach body Will be postponed another year. Thank you for understanding.

   I'm not the one who spent $600 on a first class ticket for my pet rabbit. Blame my wife!!

   If the baby ain't yo color, Ya ain't the Daddy Brotha !

   Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it's $50 to let go"

   Leaving your window open for an hour in the summertime and then the cast from f*@k!?g bug's Life start producing their second film!!

   I had a protein shake for breakfast and now I communicate only by flipping tables.

   I’m “imma keep this box cuz it looks like a good box” years old.

   Take the guesswork out of romance by dying alone.

   I'm not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

   Service so bad the waitress owes you money

   The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?...”

   it ok to taser other people's screaming kids in the supermarket? Asking for me

   Ladies: There is a new dating service that’s packed full of the most handsome and trustworthy men. The best part is its FREE! No need to pay or sign up for a membership to access the friend zone where you left them.