Funny Status Messages

   Make a decision; right or wrong. The roads are paved with squirrels that couldn't make up their minds.

   My underwear is so old, that my tighty whities are no longer tight or white.

   a good feeling: to wake up in the morning and realizing you have 5 more hours to sleep.

   I don't care about a politician's tax returns. I want to see their IQ test results.

   I once survived a bear attack with nothing but a knife. I stabbed my buddy in the leg and took off running...

   A small town lawyer will go broke but 2 small town lawyers will both get rich...

   Which essential oil should I put in my butt?

   It’s like no one is talking about how Game of Thrones fans are due for a world of hurt very soon

   If you care more about what others think about you than what you think about you, you're doing it wrong...

   If I ever choke to death on gummy bears, can we just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that?

   Never put all your eggs in one basket.....unless they're chocolate.....and it's my basket

   Some girls don't like to walk in the rain because it puts their face back to the default factory settings...

   Going to the Guns 'n Roses concert tonight. I hope the noise doesn't give me cancer tonight.

   When Luke Skywalker yells "Get to the walker now!" it has a whole new meaning.

   I bought a pair of underwear today. In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’. In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

   writing, "He owed me $50" in the funeral guest book wrong?

   I've spent the better part of my marriage battling to get these two strings inside my wife's shirt to actually stay on this hanger

   Have you ever farted so hard you saw cartoon birds circling your head?

   Turns out,the ball washer at the golf course is just for golf balls..I owe that trio of nuns an apology .

   No one lives in Windmill Alley anymore. They all died of cancer.