Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   I don't believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too.

   If you post drama filled status updates about “cleaning out your friend's list” ...you can start with me.

   I am so sick and tired of your sh!t. You are lucky I am not banging your wife and making you watch... just practicing what I will say to my boss if I win the lottery tonight.

   If you want to see the real Hunger Games go to Ethiopia and put a steak at the end of an obstacle course.

   I just told my child that PMS stands for 'Prepare to Meet Satan.'

   When women ask for your opinion what they really want to hear is their opinion, but in a deeper voice.

   I used to be a man trapped in a woman's body... Then I was born and that ended that fiasco.

   I need a spring loaded bed so if I don't want to get up, it will just throw me out of it.

   I woke up this morning and tried to look at the bright side, but it is too bright, I need my sunglasses.

   If I have ever hurt you, angered you or offended you in any way... then Mission Fuccomplished, ain't it?

   Ladies, Summer's Eve just announced a new douche infused with THC, anti-perspirant, and KFC... It leaves you fresh, high, dry, and finger lickin' good!

   Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once!

   A scientific study says that we should sleep 9 hours a day... but personally I think we should sleep for 9 hours in a night too.

   If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your ass.

   I just tenderized the pork... now to put my pants back on and go start dinner.

   After reading your recent updates, I'm surprised that Facebook hasn't yet asked you, "Whatever's on your mind, could you keep it to yourself?"

   My mother always told me to never quit something I'm good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i'm good at being drunk!

   I liked you better before we met.

   Eskimos have 49 words in their language to describe snow because they have so much of it. In the English language there are over 50 words to describe a moron.

   After finally finding a calculator and doing the math I will be able to pay off my debts at the age of 127...