Funny Status Messages

   I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

   The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

   I'm no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

   Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.

   I wish my car's back-up camera had a "Save" button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

   This is your yearly reminder to not put bananas in fruit salads

   please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here... -me opening the dryer

   Only supporting the far-rights isn't uniting people. Just saying.

   The number of hobbies a man has is directly proportionate to how cray his wife is...

   If any part of your life is "ultra", I don't have the energy to be friends with you...

   How can someone support anyone who ONLY supports the far-right?

   May the 4th be with you all today.

   brb getting down to business to defeat the Huns

   Yeah, I've always heard of it, and the young and old, but the fact is that we have to be awake for a few days ago by the end of the season.

   I only buy extra virgin olive oil...Because I don't know where those other oils have been.

   I tried to order plain Jello at a restaurant and it was fruitless.

   Avengers: Endgame, Spoiler Alert! Despite impossible odds and seemingly insurmountable obstacles, the good guys still manage to win.

   Thanks for bringing back a lot of classic diseases, anti-vaxxers!

   RIP Chewbacca aka Peter Mayhew. I’d like to say a few words if I may. RAAARAWWARARWAAAR.

   "I'm more night hamster than owl," I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.