Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What to do when your partner is snoring? Simply push them off the bed with your feet and shout, “Did you feel that earthquake” when they fall to the floor.

   I'm watching the hurricane coverage on the weather channel. I hate to be insensitive but, can anyone really pay attention to what the officials are saying when the sign language lady is flailing about?

   I read this article earlier..that said.."cows have four stomachs"...and I wondered if anyone had checked this?..because it sounds like the sort of thing a cow would come out with to get more food?

   9/13 Happy birthday Milton Hershey, thank you for the Hershey bar. Also is Scooby Doo day.

   Weather forecasters have identified yet another tropical depression in the Atlantic Region which could potentially grow into a mega storm of epic proportions. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has appropriately named it Common Core Math

   Hurricane Florence is really really big. Lots of water, wet wet water. Most people don't know that. Just like they didn't know Puerto Rico was an island, surrounded by water, wet water.

   The only difference between brown nosing and butt kissing is depth perception.

   Remember me in your Prayers like you do in your Gossips.

   The sequel to the book Fear willbe TEARS he's still president.

   I already have a "fear" book...my old yearbook

   Online dating: Wasting your time since 1995.

   My wife used to be a size eight. Now she's a figure 8.

   57 years old and I'm still not coordinated enough to pass gass with a full bladder

   What the “booming economy” means to me: higher prices for food, healthcare & gas. Anyone else feeling it?

   When a client's (djt) lawyer, lawyer needs a lawyer. You know their guilty.

   "How to tweet while on the seat" by guess who.

   I bought the book, Fear by Bob Woodward, what a fantastic read.

   I'm busier than a cucumber in a woman's prison!

   Thank you for all your kind messages on my birthday.....and thank you Facebook for reminding them.

   A guy at Target wearing a Dallas Cowboys hat and a MAGA t-shirt was buying a 65 inch TV so I said “Man, you’re really gonna be able to see the players kneeling on that thing.”