Funny Status Messages

   You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."

   I have my doubts about all these new "smart waters" considering how easily they were captured and bottled

   I recently bought a toilet brush. To make a long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.

   If my dog has taught me anything, it's avoid people at all cost and take as many naps as possible

   IT'S 2019 Why Isn't there like a booth to get my abs developed in an hour or less yet ?

   Just now at McDonalds: Go away kid, I don't have bubble wrap. That was just the sound my knees make when I stand up!

   Kids in middle school showing off their double jointed appendages is the original weird flex

   Typing the word "skepticism" is like playing Pong with your keyboard

   Guns are not the problem. It's the people who are pulling the trigger. Taking guns away will not stop people from killing other people.

   Able to lose $250 Million dollars in a single year. It's a bird, no, it's a plane, no, it's Donald Trump!

   As a child I learned to play piano by ear. As a teenager I learned to fiddle with my pen1$.

   What happens if you donate hair to a cancer survivor and they commit a crime and leave a sample of your hair at the scene??

   I may be broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of meth addicts; BUT I'm better off than the armless guy watching porn.

   Wonder if the Kentuky error was made while he was eating some chicken from a bucket of Kentucky chicken.

   Harry and Meghan have started an online poll to allow the British public to suggest the name of the new royal infant. The current front-runner is Princey McPrinceFace.

   Just finest remolding my bathroom and just want thank you all for all the selfies and great remolding idea's!

   It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back. It mostly bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that..

   I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron!

   Happy Revenge of the Sixth, everyone!

   I was cleaning out my pantry and found some tang. Unfortunately, it's the kind you drink...