Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Antifa .. same party, same tactics, different hood

   All gave some. Some gave all. One had bone spurs.

   Space aliens are taking our jobs. This is why we need to ransack Area 51.

   I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.

   Before writing "Thanks but maybe next time!" I should make sure those Facebook invides aren't for a wedding.

   No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

   1. Lemon 2. Ice 3. Me Things my wife doesn't want in cider

   Epstein likes his women like he likes his scotch. 12 years old with coke.

   I don’t like the term “dad bod”. I prefer “father figure”

   The weather is 95 and hazy .. kind of like Bernie Sanders.

   Netflix: Are you still watching? Me: [snoring] Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

   Sorry for writing "Everyone makes mistakes" in your wedding guestbook.

   Restaurant toilets are so dangerous. So many of my dates have gone there and never some back.

   20 years ago the Internet was an escape from the real world. Now the real world is in escape from the Internet

   Ugh!! My wife sent me to Walmart to get feminine products and I’ve been walking around for 45 mins...I’m starting to think Wal-Mart doesn’t sell mops....

   Coming out can be hard as people don't understand our way of life and can be very close minded, but I feel in this day and age I can no longer be afraid to say I love Disco!

   My wife's fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

   When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.

   I have not seen anyone mad about the mermaid being black . Except the people that want to people mad ... stopped getting Jussie Smolette its all in your mind

   I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people's mouths are full before asking them how the food is.