Funny Status Messages

   The secret to contentment: my unmatched socks don't care into what dimension their partners were sent by the dryer. They just wish them well.

   Bernie Sanders is finally going to pay his staff the $15 minimum wage he advocates for. But he's going to reduce their hours. He has proven the point that increasing the minimum wage to $15 will cost people hours and jobs.

   I'm happy to say that my life is now plastic free! except for a few Tupperware containers and my Facebook account.

   Insanity runs in my family..it practically gallops.

   It’s very hot in most of the country. It’s like we’re trapped in the “Jersey Shore” hot tub and can’t escape.

   Area 51 is where they keep the working McDonalds iced cream machine.

   Took a step outside. Whew! Hotter than a Salma Hayek lap dance. I'm going back indoors.

   I don't need an Old Age app. I just need a mirror.

   No need for me to storm Area 51... I've been to Walmart...

   [first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

   I like to reassure my wife that even though I don't have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I'm a really loud screamer.

   The weather is going to be 99 and hazy today .. kind of like Bernie Sanders!

   All of a sudden my news feed looks like a nursing home

   Use the aging app on your kids and you may find out who the daddy is

   I can't believe I'm still pissed off the the NBA title went to Canada.

   Thanks to Facebook me and my friend's can now send each other invites and make plans months in advance like we're going on an expedition to the upper reaches of Mongolia to get together for a cup of coffee.

   I don't want to read it because I don't want to change the way I look at a certain someone.

   Congratulations to #FACEAPP for making eleventy billion dollars in 24 hours by making us look older on purpose.

   I opened the face app to make myself look old and it just booted up my GPS app and gave me directions to a mirror

   Stop naming hospitals after dead people. I'm mean give us some hope? Where is the Keith Richards Memorial Hospital?