Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 639 of 6446

My doctor told me today that I was too sweet. Well, her exact words were, "severely diabetic", but I knew what she meant.
←Rate |
08-08-2019 17:08 by Doug
Comments (0)

*spills one drop of maple syrup (entire house is sticky for the next decade)
←Rate |
08-08-2019 06:12
Comments (0)

Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.
←Rate |
08-08-2019 06:11
Comments (0)

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
←Rate |
08-08-2019 06:10
Comments (0)

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
←Rate |
08-08-2019 06:08
Comments (0)

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he's sleeping in the RV.
←Rate |
08-08-2019 06:07
Comments (0)

If anyone sees that woman drying her bra by holding it out of the car window please tell her I love her
←Rate |
08-08-2019 06:07
Comments (0)

Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays. Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
←Rate |
08-08-2019 06:06
Comments (0)

Bedible: Any kind of food you can successfully eat in bed without excess crummage or drippage
←Rate |
08-08-2019 06:05
Comments (0)

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.
←Rate |
08-08-2019 06:04
Comments (0)

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
←Rate |
08-08-2019 06:04
Comments (0)

I hate going to the kitchen and finding out I’m the only snack in this house...
←Rate |
08-08-2019 06:03
Comments (0)

If I die after I pay rent I need y’all to sit my body up on my couch until the 31st of that month. I want my monies worth
←Rate |
08-08-2019 06:01
Comments (0)

[Getting home from fishing trip] MOM: Catch anything? ME: No, but a bear did MOM: Where’s your father?
←Rate |
08-08-2019 06:01
Comments (0)

Boss: And why can’t you come in today? Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
←Rate |
08-08-2019 06:00
Comments (0)

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
←Rate |
08-08-2019 05:59
Comments (0)

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
←Rate |
08-08-2019 05:59
Comments (0)

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
←Rate |
08-08-2019 05:58
Comments (0)

*first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientis
←Rate |
08-08-2019 05:57
Comments (0)

"Woah woah hey woah" [me attempting to breakup a fight]
←Rate |
08-08-2019 05:53
Comments (0)