Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *spills one drop of maple syrup (entire house is sticky for the next decade)

   Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.

   I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

   Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

   My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he's sleeping in the RV.

   If anyone sees that woman drying her bra by holding it out of the car window please tell her I love her

   Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays. Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

   Bedible: Any kind of food you can successfully eat in bed without excess crummage or drippage

   This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.

   When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

   I hate going to the kitchen and finding out I’m the only snack in this house...

   If I die after I pay rent I need y’all to sit my body up on my couch until the 31st of that month. I want my monies worth

   [Getting home from fishing trip] MOM: Catch anything? ME: No, but a bear did MOM: Where’s your father?

   Boss: And why can’t you come in today? Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

   Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

   When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

   Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

   *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientis

   "Woah woah hey woah" [me attempting to breakup a fight]

   If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.