Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 638 of 6446

Not Smoking anymore. I Put My Food In The Microwave And Entered My Pin Number
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08-10-2019 23:11
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If you were surprised by jeffrey Epstein's suicide, just imagine how surprised he was!
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08-10-2019 21:56
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Super Mario made me go looking for gold coins by smashing bricks with my head.
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08-10-2019 20:07
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"Area 15? I'm in!!" R Kelly, probably.
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08-10-2019 16:31
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Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
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08-10-2019 12:55
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Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
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08-10-2019 12:55
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: Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
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08-10-2019 08:32
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Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
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08-10-2019 08:30
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Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
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08-10-2019 08:29
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You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday...and you’re 32.
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08-10-2019 08:29
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HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
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08-10-2019 08:28
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What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
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08-10-2019 08:27
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n't it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
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08-10-2019 08:26
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Her: I want you to leave me breathless Me: *hides her inhaler
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08-10-2019 08:26
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My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake...You know, cuz... "Here I go again on my own".
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08-09-2019 13:13
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Wanna know what living in Florida is like? Take a hot shower. Don't dry off. Put on all your clothes
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08-09-2019 13:11
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[being dragged off the plane] Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
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08-09-2019 13:11
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How come in 1969 we were able to send men all the way to the Moon and maintain perfect communication with them the whole time, while in 2019 I can't walk into the other room without losing a cell phone signal?
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08-08-2019 23:53
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The older you get the more dating is like that final scene in The Shawshank Redemption where Red finally tells the Parole Board off.

My doctor told me today that I was too sweet. Well, her exact words were, "severely diabetic", but I knew what she meant.
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08-08-2019 17:08 by Doug
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