Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Not Smoking anymore. I Put My Food In The Microwave And Entered My Pin Number
←Rate | 08-10-2019 23:11 Comments (1)  


   messageicon If you were surprised by jeffrey Epstein's suicide, just imagine how surprised he was!
←Rate | 08-10-2019 21:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Super Mario made me go looking for gold coins by smashing bricks with my head.
←Rate | 08-10-2019 20:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Area 15? I'm in!!" R Kelly, probably.
←Rate | 08-10-2019 16:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
←Rate | 08-10-2019 12:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
←Rate | 08-10-2019 12:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon : Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
←Rate | 08-10-2019 08:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
←Rate | 08-10-2019 08:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
←Rate | 08-10-2019 08:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday...and you’re 32.
←Rate | 08-10-2019 08:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
←Rate | 08-10-2019 08:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
←Rate | 08-10-2019 08:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon n't it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
←Rate | 08-10-2019 08:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Her: I want you to leave me breathless Me: *hides her inhaler
←Rate | 08-10-2019 08:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake...You know, cuz... "Here I go again on my own".
←Rate | 08-09-2019 13:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wanna know what living in Florida is like? Take a hot shower. Don't dry off. Put on all your clothes
←Rate | 08-09-2019 13:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon [being dragged off the plane] Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
←Rate | 08-09-2019 13:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How come in 1969 we were able to send men all the way to the Moon and maintain perfect communication with them the whole time, while in 2019 I can't walk into the other room without losing a cell phone signal?
←Rate | 08-08-2019 23:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The older you get the more dating is like that final scene in The Shawshank Redemption where Red finally tells the Parole Board off.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 23:39 by ScottyDon’t Comments (0)  


   messageicon My doctor told me today that I was too sweet. Well, her exact words were, "severely diabetic", but I knew what she meant.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 17:08 by Doug Comments (0)  




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