Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 635 of 6446

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
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08-14-2019 19:00
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For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
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08-14-2019 18:59
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I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia? She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you ... ”.
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08-14-2019 18:59
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If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds...how did cockroaches get their name?
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08-14-2019 18:58
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Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
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08-14-2019 18:58
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I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
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08-14-2019 18:57
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Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
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08-14-2019 18:56
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Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory No weirdos
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08-14-2019 18:56
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The key to any successful relationship is to prevent your partner from being carried away by a large bird
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08-14-2019 18:55
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‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’ - Christian Rock
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08-14-2019 18:55
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me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into prison guard: no talking after lights out
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08-14-2019 18:54
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I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
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08-14-2019 18:52
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Someone greased my downward spiral.
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08-14-2019 18:52
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Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
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08-14-2019 18:50
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My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me. If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
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08-14-2019 18:50
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With all the technology today, how is it possible that the "mullets make you look like a total tool" message has not made it to all people?
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08-14-2019 18:49
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I wonder if my dog always follows me into the bathroom when I have to go potty because I always follow him outside when he does and he just thinks that’s how it works
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08-14-2019 18:48
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I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
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08-14-2019 18:48
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And his opponent, coming down the aisle, from Sheffield, Alabama, weighing 180 lbs, he is Moscow Mitch McConnell!
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08-14-2019 18:05
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There are still areas in the Middle East without peace and where women don’t have equal rights. I was certain Jared and Ivanka would have fixed that by now.
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08-14-2019 18:00
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