Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

   Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory No weirdos

   The key to any successful relationship is to prevent your partner from being carried away by a large bird

   ‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’ - Christian Rock

   me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into prison guard: no talking after lights out

   I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

   Someone greased my downward spiral.

   Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

   My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me. If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

   With all the technology today, how is it possible that the "mullets make you look like a total tool" message has not made it to all people?

   I wonder if my dog always follows me into the bathroom when I have to go potty because I always follow him outside when he does and he just thinks that’s how it works

   I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.

   And his opponent, coming down the aisle, from Sheffield, Alabama, weighing 180 lbs, he is Moscow Mitch McConnell!

   There are still areas in the Middle East without peace and where women don’t have equal rights. I was certain Jared and Ivanka would have fixed that by now.

   Yesssssss!!!!! A recession is coming!!!! This is the greatest day of my life!

   I hope the below pays tens of thousands of dollars on healthcare since he thinks he's a big man, paying full price for his healthcare.

   I hope the aliens from Area 51 don't escape. I don't want to pay for their healthcare too.

   Does Chewbacca have 2 nipples like a human or two rows of them like an dog??

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching The Wiggles on repeat.

   Pavlov’s hair wasn’t always silky. He had to condition it.