Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone seems so normal until you become Facebook friends with them.

   “They’re going to pay for the wall” WRONG “They’re going to pay the tariffs “ LIE!

   Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

   You're trying to get me drunk aren't you? Me to myself

   "Kill Bill" but it's me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

   The next person who says I'm using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

   SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU *shakes buy one get one free coupon*

   Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

   craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

   Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it's so nice meeting people who don't care how they look

   If you haven't met someone, don't despair. There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

   Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

   *Eating my third bowl of ice cream* I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

   I just observed a sign that said "How do nudists clean their glasses?" so there's that question to keep you up at night.

   I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

   For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

   I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia? She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you ... ”.

   If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds...how did cockroaches get their name?

   Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

   I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.