Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

   Some things are better left unsaid Tequila - No they're not

   shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

   I used the entire box of tissues to blow my nose at my therapist's office to make a point about her switching to a subpar generic brand and instead of apologizing about the tissues all she could talk about is some idea that I'm passive aggressive.

   "My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college" #SpoiledKidsComplaints

   shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

   Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars - might recommend.* *mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

   The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in. His head near his mother and his feet kicking my c

   Peter Fonda died. Let me guess, Hilary killed her too?

   you know your farts really stink when the dog get up and leaves the room

   Everyone seems so normal until you become Facebook friends with them.

   “They’re going to pay for the wall” WRONG “They’re going to pay the tariffs “ LIE!

   Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

   You're trying to get me drunk aren't you? Me to myself

   "Kill Bill" but it's me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

   The next person who says I'm using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

   SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU *shakes buy one get one free coupon*

   Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

   craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

   Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it's so nice meeting people who don't care how they look