Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 632 of 6446

I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.
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08-18-2019 16:50
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I want to win a fake award like "Michigan's man of the year" too.
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08-18-2019 13:24
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Hotel clerk: May I help you? Me: Call an ambulance. HC: What happened? M: I'm not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
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08-18-2019 13:23
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Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry. Me: No, two of those are clean.
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08-18-2019 13:22
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Me and the person reading this have decided to quit alcohol.
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08-18-2019 12:10
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Can anyone recommend a good wine that pairs well with a teenager's sh@# attitude?
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08-18-2019 10:10 by SEAN
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[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
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08-18-2019 07:47
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At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
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08-18-2019 07:47
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Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
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08-18-2019 07:47
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Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
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08-18-2019 07:46
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there’s plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? trash. there is a lot of trash in the sea.
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08-18-2019 07:46
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Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
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08-18-2019 07:46
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“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
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08-18-2019 07:46
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I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
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08-18-2019 07:45
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Sucks how parents can't name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
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08-18-2019 07:45
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Batman: fighting crime is easy Robin: *grabs his hand* but fighting our desires isn’t Batman: not now Robin
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08-18-2019 07:45
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I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
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08-18-2019 07:44
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Women aren’t hard to read For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your sh*t out You’re done bro
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08-18-2019 07:44
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me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
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08-18-2019 07:44
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hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
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08-18-2019 07:43
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