Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.
←Rate | 08-18-2019 16:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I want to win a fake award like "Michigan's man of the year" too.
←Rate | 08-18-2019 13:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hotel clerk: May I help you? Me: Call an ambulance. HC: What happened? M: I'm not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
←Rate | 08-18-2019 13:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry. Me: No, two of those are clean.
←Rate | 08-18-2019 13:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me and the person reading this have decided to quit alcohol.
←Rate | 08-18-2019 12:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can anyone recommend a good wine that pairs well with a teenager's sh@# attitude?
←Rate | 08-18-2019 10:10 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon [coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
←Rate | 08-18-2019 07:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
←Rate | 08-18-2019 07:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
←Rate | 08-18-2019 07:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
←Rate | 08-18-2019 07:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon there’s plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? trash. there is a lot of trash in the sea.
←Rate | 08-18-2019 07:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
←Rate | 08-18-2019 07:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon “Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
←Rate | 08-18-2019 07:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
←Rate | 08-18-2019 07:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sucks how parents can't name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
←Rate | 08-18-2019 07:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Batman: fighting crime is easy Robin: *grabs his hand* but fighting our desires isn’t Batman: not now Robin
←Rate | 08-18-2019 07:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
←Rate | 08-18-2019 07:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Women aren’t hard to read For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your sh*t out You’re done bro
←Rate | 08-18-2019 07:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
←Rate | 08-18-2019 07:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
←Rate | 08-18-2019 07:43 Comments (0)  




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