Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   If a stranger starts talking to you in an elevator, just say: "I don't want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you" that'll shut 'em up.

   just read that women are smarter than men. Really?! Have you ever met a man that "fell in" the toilet in the middle of the night?

   i farted at work today, and a co-worker complained about the smell. Its air passing over $h!t what'd you expect it to smell like?!

   I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"

   I'd be a terrible fireman, if anyone said their roof was on fire I'd tell'em "You don't need no water, let the mutha f'er burn!"

   For the past 20 years I've been trying to figure out how to "Stop" Collaborate" and "Listen"

   I'm so out of shape, I threw my back out taking a poop!

   Just got a letter from one of those traffic light cameras. No ticket; just a picture of me with the caption "Nice shirt, douche bag."

   I want a job naming military operations. It be great to hear a stoic general talk about how "Operation My little pony" was a success

   This world is not going to make any real progress until we stop perpetuating the belief that "paper" beats "rock."

   if I ever win the lottery the first thing I'm gonna do is hire a priest, a rabbi and a minister to walk into bars with me

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to see a drug commercial that says, "May cause extreme awesomeness."

   Did any bad guy in Scooby Doo actually commit a crime? I'm pretty sure wearing a silly mask and scaring people isn't illegal.

   last night I prayed for the Lord to stop me from going bald, and to regrow hair. This morning I woke up with a 6 inch hair growing out my ear. Well played Lord, Well played

   to all the dead beat dads that messed up their daughters...thanks! Sincerely every guy that likes strippers

   Money talks, and unfortunately mine only can say "goodbye!"

   This is one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather

   just read wikileaks next bombshell is that Captain Crunch was actually only rose to the rank of Ensign

   nothing makes you feel old like that girl your co-workers are ogling at was born when you graduated HS, and her mom babysat you as a kid!

   in other countries they riot against brutal dictators, in America we riot when our sports team wins a championship