Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Looking back on all the crap I learned in school.... I’d say cursive writing is probably the least used skill ever taught.

   Not every friend request as a friend request some are just a surveillance camera

   This whole Santa should have no gender is crap. Here is how you know Santa is a man. He shows up late, eats your cookie, empties his sack, comes only once, calls you a Ho and leaves while you're asleep.

   Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt

   My goal weight it to be able to breathe while tying my shoes.

   You had me at “we have a warrant”

   if you like christmas so much why don't you merry it

   If you mess with me, you mess with the whole trailer park!

   Spent the last twenty minutes trying to get my sideburns even and now I'm sporting a Mohawk!

   True love means never having to pick just one hole.

   My wife said I can't have a flamethrower for Christmas.

   In honor of Charles Dickens I am also going to be poor this Christmas

   The best credit card rewards program is to avoid credit card debt.

   So do we all have the same automatic spell checker? Or am I his only Facebook friend?

   If you see me drinking "coffee" from a insulated tumbler in public, then you don't know me very well.

   Every time I play NBA2k, I’m deeply offended there are no short players with minimal basketball skills. How could I not be represented in a game that has nothing to do with my life?

   The difference between curry and a candle. A candle only burns at one end.

   asked Alexa "why is my wife such a b!@#$" & Alexa replied "id rather not answer" ...these computers really are smart

   Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet. My 4 y/o: I don't have any other feet.

   I’m Southern, but not monogram my vibrator, Southern.