Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M's it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

   What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!” Wouldn’t t

   Dudes who order boneless wings close the Fridge with their hips

   Im so good at procrastinating I always have something to look forward to!....

   Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

   62% of marriage conversation is just spouses stating “I never said that.”

   Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can't use nicknames at work anymore

   I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like. But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

   Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon [later] Wife: pass me the rock sample bags Me: I thought you brought them

   I do all of my ironing in the dryer.

   The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

   Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

   BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair* ME: perfect, thanks BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head* VOLDEMORT: yep, that's great

   Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it? Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

   Guy: I'm an organist Me: what you got against organs?

   People who give you their attention only when they're lonely or bored... No thank you. I already have a cat.

   My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

   I'm going bananas! *What I tell my bananas when I'm leaving the house.

   You know you're old if you remember a time when the only thing you could do with a telephone was talk on it.

   I'm going to buy Greenland and Mexico will pay for it!!!