Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Im so good at procrastinating I always have something to look forward to!....
←Rate | 08-22-2019 16:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
←Rate | 08-22-2019 15:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 62% of marriage conversation is just spouses stating “I never said that.”
←Rate | 08-22-2019 15:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can't use nicknames at work anymore
←Rate | 08-22-2019 14:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like. But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
←Rate | 08-22-2019 14:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon [later] Wife: pass me the rock sample bags Me: I thought you brought them
←Rate | 08-22-2019 12:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
←Rate | 08-22-2019 11:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
←Rate | 08-22-2019 11:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
←Rate | 08-22-2019 11:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair* ME: perfect, thanks BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head* VOLDEMORT: yep, that's great
←Rate | 08-22-2019 11:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it? Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
←Rate | 08-22-2019 11:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Guy: I'm an organist Me: what you got against organs?
←Rate | 08-22-2019 11:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People who give you their attention only when they're lonely or bored... No thank you. I already have a cat.
←Rate | 08-22-2019 11:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
←Rate | 08-22-2019 11:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm going bananas! *What I tell my bananas when I'm leaving the house.
←Rate | 08-22-2019 11:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know you're old if you remember a time when the only thing you could do with a telephone was talk on it.
←Rate | 08-21-2019 22:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm going to buy Greenland and Mexico will pay for it!!!
←Rate | 08-21-2019 20:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anyone who doesn't request unlimited salad and breadsticks as their last meal is an idiot
←Rate | 08-21-2019 15:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
←Rate | 08-21-2019 15:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and facebook friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone. Orson Welles
←Rate | 08-21-2019 14:54 Comments (0)  




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