Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your proctologist called. He found your head.

   Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn't really think your choice was excellent.

   Found $20 in a parking lot and thought to myself What Would Jesus Do? So I took it and turned it into wine.

   My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

   Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"

   No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ's face I don't think he's going to play them. Here come the police they'll help me

   Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

   All I'm saying is never trust a towel that's not hanging in it's normal place when you get out of the shower...

   If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that's not me.

   I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

   Hate it when I'm at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

   Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying "you know, the hot blond" is conducive to sofa sleeping.

   Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.

   It's not hotter this year. It's just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.

   Wait, what if I'm allergic to Kleenex?

   Thanks to me, you'll probably start seeing 'For Display Only' signs on the toilets at Home Depot.

   Just curious, does the room spin in the opposite direction when you drink too much in South Africa?

   How to discipline your child: 1. Politely ask them to stop. 2. Yell. 3. Yell louder. 4. Repeat yourself 74 times. 5. Give up and drink.

   Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like a G.I. Joe action figure that has been put in the microwave on high for 20 minutes.

   Did Bruno Mars catch that grenade? Haven't heard from him in a while...