Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wait, what if I'm allergic to Kleenex?

   Thanks to me, you'll probably start seeing 'For Display Only' signs on the toilets at Home Depot.

   Just curious, does the room spin in the opposite direction when you drink too much in South Africa?

   How to discipline your child: 1. Politely ask them to stop. 2. Yell. 3. Yell louder. 4. Repeat yourself 74 times. 5. Give up and drink.

   Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like a G.I. Joe action figure that has been put in the microwave on high for 20 minutes.

   Did Bruno Mars catch that grenade? Haven't heard from him in a while...

   me: my cup runneth over... sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

   So, Trump says he's the second coming of Jesus. Cool, that won't make God angry one bit.

   If you watch Godzilla vs King Kong backwards it's about two monsters who forget their differences and build a city.

   The baby gets really annoyed when I try to undress him. He gets that from his mother.

   The only beachfront property I'll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.

   It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home.

   I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to doouches.

   Before Drake started saying YOLO did you guys think you could live twice or something?

   Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You're practically begging for typos.

   If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you're the worst employee at a toy factory

   If you think about it, James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman tickling each other would pretty much be the greatest thing ever.

   I just had a new winch installed on my boat. Ship just got reel.

   My daughter has decided to become a vegetarian. I'm frying bacon.

   I wonder if spiders get as ticked off as I do when I walk through their webs.