Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The baby gets really annoyed when I try to undress him. He gets that from his mother.

   The only beachfront property I'll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.

   It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home.

   I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to doouches.

   Before Drake started saying YOLO did you guys think you could live twice or something?

   Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You're practically begging for typos.

   If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you're the worst employee at a toy factory

   If you think about it, James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman tickling each other would pretty much be the greatest thing ever.

   I just had a new winch installed on my boat. Ship just got reel.

   My daughter has decided to become a vegetarian. I'm frying bacon.

   I wonder if spiders get as ticked off as I do when I walk through their webs.

   Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your legs.

   It's impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.

   I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.

   Okay, I can't take it anymore. What in the heck holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?

   To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

   Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on. Me: ok (later at home) Me, talking to my blunt: I'm sorry I called you fat.

   Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M's it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

   What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!” Wouldn’t t

   Dudes who order boneless wings close the Fridge with their hips