Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 13:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
←Rate | 08-23-2019 13:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ's face I don't think he's going to play them. Here come the police they'll help me
←Rate | 08-23-2019 13:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 13:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon All I'm saying is never trust a towel that's not hanging in it's normal place when you get out of the shower...
←Rate | 08-23-2019 13:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that's not me.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 13:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 13:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hate it when I'm at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 12:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying "you know, the hot blond" is conducive to sofa sleeping.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 12:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 12:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's not hotter this year. It's just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 12:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wait, what if I'm allergic to Kleenex?
←Rate | 08-23-2019 12:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Thanks to me, you'll probably start seeing 'For Display Only' signs on the toilets at Home Depot.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 12:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just curious, does the room spin in the opposite direction when you drink too much in South Africa?
←Rate | 08-23-2019 12:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How to discipline your child: 1. Politely ask them to stop. 2. Yell. 3. Yell louder. 4. Repeat yourself 74 times. 5. Give up and drink.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 12:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like a G.I. Joe action figure that has been put in the microwave on high for 20 minutes.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 12:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Did Bruno Mars catch that grenade? Haven't heard from him in a while...
←Rate | 08-23-2019 12:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon me: my cup runneth over... sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 12:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So, Trump says he's the second coming of Jesus. Cool, that won't make God angry one bit.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 11:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you watch Godzilla vs King Kong backwards it's about two monsters who forget their differences and build a city.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:44 Comments (0)  




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