Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My drivers side window quit working. So I guess I'm on a diet.

   Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

   My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

   I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

   My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I dont get women.

   This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

   Your proctologist called. He found your head.

   Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn't really think your choice was excellent.

   Found $20 in a parking lot and thought to myself What Would Jesus Do? So I took it and turned it into wine.

   My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

   Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"

   No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ's face I don't think he's going to play them. Here come the police they'll help me

   Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

   All I'm saying is never trust a towel that's not hanging in it's normal place when you get out of the shower...

   If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that's not me.

   I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

   Hate it when I'm at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

   Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying "you know, the hot blond" is conducive to sofa sleeping.

   Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.

   It's not hotter this year. It's just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.