Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 624 of 6446

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
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08-23-2019 13:20
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Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
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08-23-2019 13:18
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No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ's face I don't think he's going to play them. Here come the police they'll help me
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08-23-2019 13:17
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Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
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08-23-2019 13:17
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All I'm saying is never trust a towel that's not hanging in it's normal place when you get out of the shower...
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08-23-2019 13:16
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If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that's not me.
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08-23-2019 13:15
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I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
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08-23-2019 13:06
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Hate it when I'm at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
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08-23-2019 12:59
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Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying "you know, the hot blond" is conducive to sofa sleeping.
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08-23-2019 12:57
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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
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08-23-2019 12:31
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It's not hotter this year. It's just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
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08-23-2019 12:30
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Wait, what if I'm allergic to Kleenex?
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08-23-2019 12:28
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Thanks to me, you'll probably start seeing 'For Display Only' signs on the toilets at Home Depot.
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08-23-2019 12:27
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Just curious, does the room spin in the opposite direction when you drink too much in South Africa?
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08-23-2019 12:26
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How to discipline your child: 1. Politely ask them to stop. 2. Yell. 3. Yell louder. 4. Repeat yourself 74 times. 5. Give up and drink.
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08-23-2019 12:25
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Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like a G.I. Joe action figure that has been put in the microwave on high for 20 minutes.
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08-23-2019 12:25
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Did Bruno Mars catch that grenade? Haven't heard from him in a while...
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08-23-2019 12:21
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me: my cup runneth over... sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
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08-23-2019 12:20
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So, Trump says he's the second coming of Jesus. Cool, that won't make God angry one bit.
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08-23-2019 11:21
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If you watch Godzilla vs King Kong backwards it's about two monsters who forget their differences and build a city.
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08-23-2019 06:44
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