Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was walking on the beach yesterday when I noticed this guy in the ocean splashing around and yelling " shark, help, shark!!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

   If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 5 p.m. until security escorts me out the door.

   Ladies being mistaken for a hooker is same as us straight guys getting hit on by gay guys.

   Last night my wife came to me wearing a sexy policewoman costume and said "You're charged with being good in bed." But after about two minutes the charges were dropped due to lack of hard evidence. FML.

   I downloaded a song illegally in Jamaica. Now I'm a Pirate of the Caribbean.

   I need something like an Epi-Pen, but with caffeine.

   they say you should never tell a joke about blind people, oh yeah? watch me

   I wonder what facebook employees do to kill time at work?

   I may need a helping hand with my New Year's resolution in giving up masterbating.

   A good husband remembers his wife's birthday, but not her age.

   If a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.

   My mother never saw the iorny in calling me a s.o.b.

   If you don't have an address on your house to make it easy to find then you need to address that!

   *Angry after wasting 5 hours trying to craft a beer joke.... " This was entirely hopless!"

   Why does it seem that most of the women and men who rant at people just minding their own business are overweight, have missing teeth and uneducated?

   My New Years resolution, to screw them before they screw me.

   t takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

   I don't always contradict myself but when I do I don't

   My New Years resolution is to be more active. Sexually.

   Show dominance on an airplane by calling the flight attendants bartenders.