Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes waiting for the weekend is better than the weekend itself.

   Somebody needs to starts a dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.

   I’ll rise, but I won’t shine.

   Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here. Me: Thank you. Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

   I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

   Her: oh my god i’m so wet Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

   Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

   I’m sorry, but some of my classmates look like they went to school with my mom.

   not telling you

   The Fat Acceptance Movement is the only movement without movement.

   Sorry I was so happy about David Koch kicking the bucket. Next time I'll try and be more tactful, like Trump was when McCain died.

   Don't blame me for the world's problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

   Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.

   Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

   I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining to you why you're wrong.

   Why does lemonade contain artificial flavors but furniture polish contain real lemons?

   Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave Popcorn manufacturers: you touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

   No more edibles for me !! I just Put My ice cream In The Microwave And Entered My Pin Number.

   Are there any medium rappers? They’re all lil’ or big.

   I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.