Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   on itunes below "Party in the USA" by Miley Cryus, it said "Listeners who bought this also enjoyed, 'Sounds of People Farting into a Mic."

   almost killed today when she fell off a horse. Thank god the Kmart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing!

   cleaning out her medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time!!

   fighting for world peace...one beer at a time.

   you wouldnt know where your heading until your know where you have being !

   global warming my ass.

   Snow: where a couple of inches will keep a woman in bed all day.

   I am only ONE, but still I AM ONE. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. And because I can't do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do =)

   wondering how she can go forward when she doesn't know which way she's facing

   at the crossroads of life and has taken the road less traveled........only because of my stupid "Tom-Tom" those GPS devises can be very irritating sometimes.

   really doesn't get the underwear bomber...i mean even if the bomb works there are gonna be 72 very disappointed virgins

   I was listed as "single", and all I got were Facebook singles ads. Now I'm "in a relationship" and I get marriage ads. WTF.

   A new device can turn thoughts into speech. Wait, don't we already have that? It's called alcohol.

   I know Gilbert Arenas likes to shoot, but this is ridiculous!

   whats everybody worried about with Gilbert Arenas...its not like he can shoot anymore!

   Dear Facebook, You appear to be on girls' minds at least 10 times a day. Any advice you could give me would be greatly appreciated

   My New Year's Resolution is to finish what I star........

   Women are strange...before marriage they expect a man,after marriage they suspect the man,and after he dies they respect the man!

   wonders why people only see ghosts at night? Probably the same reason UFO'd are never spotted in the city.

   A blind man walks into a shop with his dog. Suddenly,the man picks up the dog by the tail and swings it around his head. The horrified shopkeeper asks "Excuse me,sir?? Can I help you?". Blind man says "No thanks. Just having a look around."