Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 620 of 6446

I asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
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08-26-2019 12:35
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Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade? I see you peach, and I’m watching
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08-26-2019 12:35
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I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
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08-26-2019 12:35
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Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying...
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08-26-2019 12:34
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my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
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08-26-2019 12:34
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Boss: I've received complaints about your AA meetings Me: too boring, right? Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
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08-26-2019 12:33
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son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip me: I can do it son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
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08-26-2019 12:33
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If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
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08-26-2019 12:32
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[first day as an ambulance driver] ME: *crashes into a light pole* PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
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08-26-2019 12:32
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*Carefully measures exactly one serving of potato chips into bowl. *hands bowl to child, eats the rest
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08-26-2019 12:32
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Why didn't I think of nuking a hurricane?
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08-26-2019 11:33
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Tech support just asked my grandpa what kind of phone he has & he seriously said "kind of grayish"
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08-25-2019 16:25
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I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.
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08-25-2019 16:23
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othing is more frightening than accidentally making eye contact with a guy who runs a mall kiosk.
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08-25-2019 16:22
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My voicemail message is just me sighing for 20 minutes.
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08-25-2019 16:22
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The Internet is like alcohol, it gives people courage.
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08-25-2019 16:21
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Butter should re-name itself, "I Can't Believe It's Not Polysorbate 60, Soy Lecithin, Xanthan Gum and Other Artificial Flavors"
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08-25-2019 16:20
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i saw a license plate yesterday that said 'i miss new york,' so I smashed their window and stole their radio
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08-25-2019 16:18
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"How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?" "It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."
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08-25-2019 16:18
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Just discovered that I'm willing to drive 35mph over the speed limit to prevent a PT Cruiser from passing me.
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08-25-2019 16:18
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