Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

   Ready to earn money staring at my screen all day so I can afford to go home & stare at my screen all night, repeating the process unto death

   Just once can we make someone regret inviting 10,000 people to their Facebook event.

   A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

   My cat complains when I drive him to the vet, but we always end up stopping behind Red Lobster "just for a second" whenever he drives.

   "Peanuts, big butts, M&M's, large butts, raisins, huge butts." - Sir Trail Mix-a-Lot

   Every time I watch cartoons I imagine how badly they must reek of B.O. because they're always wearing the same thing.

   No. Skinny girls shouldn't be in charge of the office thermostat. You need a middle-aged woman with hot flashes named Brenda on the dial.

   Fell asleep last night with the T.V. off. Was that camping?

   The best advice my parents ever gave me was not to push too hard because that's how Elvis died.

   I wonder if lining up beers in my refrigerator will ever stop being exciting.

   What the person on the street corner approaching me w a pamphlet doesn't understand is I want the world to end

   I like staying in because soon as I step outside I spend $100

   [first day as a pilot] me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

   me: i’m sad about this thing therapist: but it’s not about that thing me: ok thx here’s $175

   Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love? Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

   I asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

   Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade? I see you peach, and I’m watching

   I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

   Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying...