Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just heard on the news that is sure indication you might want to evacuate before the hurricane hits is if your local Waffle House closes.

   My Deep Thought: Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants. When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.

   Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants. When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.

   The night before the kids go back to school is the grown ups version of Christmas Eve.

   What's everyone doing for Labor day? I think I'm gonna get right into the action and mow the yard, make some chicken stew and get to the mattress store so I don't miss the BIG sale!

   If you're wondering what my secret to success is. You can find it under Facebooks settings then scrolling down to where it says deactivate account.

   And just like that kids at the stroke of midnight on August 31 all the girls ears wiggled and BAM Pumpkin spice everywhere!

   Wish there was a way to turn horrible books back into trees.

   A 2018 Harris Poll said Taco Bell was voted the best Mexican Restaurant in the U.S. This, Folks, is why we have the Electoral College.

   If you sneeze and fart at the same time your body takes a screen shot.

   Just found a app on my new phone that tells you which of your friends and family are slightly narcissistic. Its called facebook.

   My buddy was playing a drinking game where he’d take a shot of whiskey every time Trump lies. His funeral is Tuesday.

   If your house doesn't have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.

   Five years ago today, Barack Obama wore a tan suit, the biggest scandal in presidential history (rolling eyes back).

   So what happened to Oscar the Grouch if you overslept on trash day?

   So why did poor Sally sell seashells on the seashore when anyone could just walk along the beach and pick them up for free?

   It's a good thing Peter Parker was bitten by a spider on his arm rather than his ass. Otherwise he would blow a spiderweb out of his butthole every time he farted.

   I used to be a hipster, before it became trendy.

   I don't have a nervous system. I *am* a nervous system.

   people talk about working on their "summer body" but I've been working on my winter body for years