Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   just saw a homeless guy blasting Nickleback on his radio, proving that listening to Nickelback leads to homelessness

   My supervisor told me "I like working with you. You're the only one I can have a interlectrical conversation with". I don't know if I should feel honored, or ashamed that this man is my boss

   I'm really going to crap my pants today if there is an apocalypse. Of course, I might just crap them anyhow, regardless what happens.

   hey if tomorrow is the rapture could one of you atheists stop by and feed my dog? Feel free to help yourself to my prescription pills and booze

   Did you know birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody still rushes to get a piece?

   I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages

   Its hard to work when the theme song to the Gummi Bears cartoon is running through your head

   When people ask if they can get me anything, I always ask for a jetpack.

   When I was younger, I wanted to be a famous writer like Hemingway. I got the alcoholism down, just not the hunting and suicide part

   I don't consider my dog my child. My child would not be able to knock you down like Ray Lewis and crush your bones with her jaw at 9 months

   47% of Detroit residents cannot read. No kidding, they would have read the signs welcoming them to Detroit and leave.

   Dear Vanilla Ice, how does one rock a mic like a Vandal? By sacking Rome?

   Saw an ad in the paper about making money buying abandoned self storage units. Or as I like to call it: entry level grave robbing.

   I hate Walmart. The men's bathroom doesn't have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out

   the royal wedding is as close to porn for females as you're ever gonna see...except Twilight

   When people say “I'm not getting any younger!” I wonder what other basic life concepts they just figured out

   Driving home today I saw a guy in a pink snuggie jogging. Sadly that's not the craziest thing I've seen in this town.

   If, at any point, you stopped for Hammer Time, I think it is now safe to proceed

   Sometimes I text my mom just because the thought of her staring puzzled at her phone trying to find her texts is difficult to resist

   I'm pretty sure that just before I get to Walmart some mental institution drops off its patients to go shopping