Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

   The remote isn't working! And the TV's stuck on Food Network again! "Are you in the kitchen?" Yes. "Honey, that's the microwave."

   What did Tonto say when the Lone Ranger got drunk and rambled on and on in one long sentence? “White man speak with Faulknered tongue.”

   I'll tell you what's wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.

   I'm glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 9:00 AM on a Saturday.

   Hey Victoria's Secret, I like to keep my wife's panty selection private so if your cashiers wouldn't hold them up like Simba when folding them, that'd be great.

   I'm willing to bet very few women would appreciate the humor of giving birth on Labor Day, ya know, at the time.

   I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.

   Saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it special is that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on top of a strippers caboose

   it too soon to give up on my New Year's Resolution?

   Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive. Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

   doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on me: probably since the summer of 2008

   "This is the one I use for wiping" - Handshakes

   are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

   Ready to earn money staring at my screen all day so I can afford to go home & stare at my screen all night, repeating the process unto death

   Just once can we make someone regret inviting 10,000 people to their Facebook event.

   A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

   My cat complains when I drive him to the vet, but we always end up stopping behind Red Lobster "just for a second" whenever he drives.

   "Peanuts, big butts, M&M's, large butts, raisins, huge butts." - Sir Trail Mix-a-Lot

   Every time I watch cartoons I imagine how badly they must reek of B.O. because they're always wearing the same thing.