Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
←Rate | 08-26-2019 16:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The remote isn't working! And the TV's stuck on Food Network again! "Are you in the kitchen?" Yes. "Honey, that's the microwave."
←Rate | 08-26-2019 15:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What did Tonto say when the Lone Ranger got drunk and rambled on and on in one long sentence? “White man speak with Faulknered tongue.”
←Rate | 08-26-2019 15:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'll tell you what's wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
←Rate | 08-26-2019 14:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 9:00 AM on a Saturday.
←Rate | 08-26-2019 14:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hey Victoria's Secret, I like to keep my wife's panty selection private so if your cashiers wouldn't hold them up like Simba when folding them, that'd be great.
←Rate | 08-26-2019 14:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm willing to bet very few women would appreciate the humor of giving birth on Labor Day, ya know, at the time.
←Rate | 08-26-2019 13:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.
←Rate | 08-26-2019 13:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it special is that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on top of a strippers caboose
←Rate | 08-26-2019 13:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon it too soon to give up on my New Year's Resolution?
←Rate | 08-26-2019 13:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive. Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
←Rate | 08-26-2019 13:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on me: probably since the summer of 2008
←Rate | 08-26-2019 13:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "This is the one I use for wiping" - Handshakes
←Rate | 08-26-2019 13:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ready to earn money staring at my screen all day so I can afford to go home & stare at my screen all night, repeating the process unto death
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just once can we make someone regret inviting 10,000 people to their Facebook event.
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My cat complains when I drive him to the vet, but we always end up stopping behind Red Lobster "just for a second" whenever he drives.
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Peanuts, big butts, M&M's, large butts, raisins, huge butts." - Sir Trail Mix-a-Lot
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every time I watch cartoons I imagine how badly they must reek of B.O. because they're always wearing the same thing.
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:45 Comments (0)  




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