Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 619 of 6446

Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
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08-26-2019 16:08
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The remote isn't working! And the TV's stuck on Food Network again! "Are you in the kitchen?" Yes. "Honey, that's the microwave."
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08-26-2019 15:58
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What did Tonto say when the Lone Ranger got drunk and rambled on and on in one long sentence? “White man speak with Faulknered tongue.”
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08-26-2019 15:55
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I'll tell you what's wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
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08-26-2019 14:26
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I'm glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 9:00 AM on a Saturday.
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08-26-2019 14:26
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Hey Victoria's Secret, I like to keep my wife's panty selection private so if your cashiers wouldn't hold them up like Simba when folding them, that'd be great.
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08-26-2019 14:16
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I'm willing to bet very few women would appreciate the humor of giving birth on Labor Day, ya know, at the time.
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08-26-2019 13:59
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I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.
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08-26-2019 13:58
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Saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it special is that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on top of a strippers caboose
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08-26-2019 13:58
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it too soon to give up on my New Year's Resolution?
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08-26-2019 13:57
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Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive. Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
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08-26-2019 13:27
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doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on me: probably since the summer of 2008
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08-26-2019 13:22
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"This is the one I use for wiping" - Handshakes
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08-26-2019 13:16
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are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
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08-26-2019 12:54
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Ready to earn money staring at my screen all day so I can afford to go home & stare at my screen all night, repeating the process unto death
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08-26-2019 12:54
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Just once can we make someone regret inviting 10,000 people to their Facebook event.
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08-26-2019 12:53
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A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
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08-26-2019 12:49
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My cat complains when I drive him to the vet, but we always end up stopping behind Red Lobster "just for a second" whenever he drives.
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08-26-2019 12:48
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"Peanuts, big butts, M&M's, large butts, raisins, huge butts." - Sir Trail Mix-a-Lot
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08-26-2019 12:47
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Every time I watch cartoons I imagine how badly they must reek of B.O. because they're always wearing the same thing.
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08-26-2019 12:45
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