Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 619 of 6446

it too soon to give up on my New Year's Resolution?
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08-26-2019 13:57
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Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive. Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
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08-26-2019 13:27
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doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on me: probably since the summer of 2008
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08-26-2019 13:22
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"This is the one I use for wiping" - Handshakes
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08-26-2019 13:16
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are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
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08-26-2019 12:54
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Ready to earn money staring at my screen all day so I can afford to go home & stare at my screen all night, repeating the process unto death
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08-26-2019 12:54
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Just once can we make someone regret inviting 10,000 people to their Facebook event.
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08-26-2019 12:53
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A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
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08-26-2019 12:49
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My cat complains when I drive him to the vet, but we always end up stopping behind Red Lobster "just for a second" whenever he drives.
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08-26-2019 12:48
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"Peanuts, big butts, M&M's, large butts, raisins, huge butts." - Sir Trail Mix-a-Lot
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08-26-2019 12:47
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Every time I watch cartoons I imagine how badly they must reek of B.O. because they're always wearing the same thing.
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08-26-2019 12:45
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No. Skinny girls shouldn't be in charge of the office thermostat. You need a middle-aged woman with hot flashes named Brenda on the dial.
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08-26-2019 12:44
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Fell asleep last night with the T.V. off. Was that camping?
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08-26-2019 12:43
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The best advice my parents ever gave me was not to push too hard because that's how Elvis died.
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08-26-2019 12:43
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I wonder if lining up beers in my refrigerator will ever stop being exciting.
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08-26-2019 12:42
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What the person on the street corner approaching me w a pamphlet doesn't understand is I want the world to end
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08-26-2019 12:42
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I like staying in because soon as I step outside I spend $100
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08-26-2019 12:39
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[first day as a pilot] me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
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08-26-2019 12:38
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me: i’m sad about this thing therapist: but it’s not about that thing me: ok thx here’s $175
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08-26-2019 12:38
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Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love? Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
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08-26-2019 12:36
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