Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 618 of 6382
[Returning a mattress] ME: Yes, I was told this was king size, but my child is 3 feet tall and somehow takes up all of it.
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01-16-2019 14:31
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When I was a kid, the only password you had to remember was the one that got you into the treehouse.
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01-16-2019 14:29
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I don't rise and shine, the best I can do is get up and gripe.
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01-16-2019 14:14 by Joker
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Being an adult is eating the crust not because you like it, but because you paid for it.
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01-16-2019 12:59
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I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.
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01-16-2019 12:52
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Y’all ever inhale a dog's fart and think “this is it, this is how I die.”
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01-16-2019 00:21
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The rich man glories in his greed; the humble man feeds hundreds and stays silent.
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01-15-2019 14:11
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I spent the last night defrosting the fridge. Or, Foreplay as she calls it.
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01-15-2019 12:35
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My mother in-law is so ugly, even a boiling tea kettle won't give her a whistle.
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01-14-2019 17:23 by Joker
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Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 5 year old.
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01-14-2019 17:15
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Eating clean means I just took a shower and I'm heading to McDonald's..
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01-14-2019 09:13
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now officially talking to myself but somehow I hear busy signals in my ears. I wonder if I can get call waiting?? Wait... Maybe its better I dont answer myself.
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01-14-2019 00:49 by DocNoland
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To MacKenzie Bezos: 'sup, girl?
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01-13-2019 22:50
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The worlds greatest marionette is Putin. He has Trump as a puppet and I can’t even see the strings.
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01-13-2019 21:46
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Trump being re-elected is as likely as Ken and Barbie doing the wild thing.
Got my ancestry DNA results back. It seems I related to Adam and Eve.
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01-13-2019 16:35 by Joker
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Barbie sure has a lot of nice things for a woman whose knees don't bend.
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01-13-2019 12:55
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Ladies, your man can’t complain about your excessive shopping habit if he has your tit in his mouth.
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01-13-2019 12:44
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I have never met a baby named Gary. It’s like they just start life at 30 years old.
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01-13-2019 12:32
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"If you are under investigation by the FBI. you should not be president -Donald Trump 7/14/16
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01-13-2019 11:39
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