Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Accidentally used the dog's shampoo today, and I'm feeling like such a good girl.

   A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

   *putting a top hat on my dog* Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

   : Girls that try to flirt with guys on Twitter are pathetic. Guys, if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.

   The news is so fake. Trump University is still active and running stronger than ever.

   I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous but I'm proud to say that I still we are the same size shoes I did in High School!

   Watching the VMA Awards: if Keith Richards saw what music has become, he’d be spinning in his grave.

   Fact: China denies his claim that they reached out about a trade deal. What is is it going to take for you to wake up?

   Does anyone else notice that if you mention the clown HEre they try to bury it?

   My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food in front of you. So I took her to Subway... and that's when the fight started...

   Happy National discriminates against “Cat” Day!

   Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

   The remote isn't working! And the TV's stuck on Food Network again! "Are you in the kitchen?" Yes. "Honey, that's the microwave."

   What did Tonto say when the Lone Ranger got drunk and rambled on and on in one long sentence? “White man speak with Faulknered tongue.”

   I'll tell you what's wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.

   I'm glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 9:00 AM on a Saturday.

   Hey Victoria's Secret, I like to keep my wife's panty selection private so if your cashiers wouldn't hold them up like Simba when folding them, that'd be great.

   I'm willing to bet very few women would appreciate the humor of giving birth on Labor Day, ya know, at the time.

   I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.

   Saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it special is that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on top of a strippers caboose