Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When they shoot scenes w stagecoaches in Westerns, I bet the horses think "Hey wtf? We're not supposed to have to do this sheet anymore"

   If you're drinking a Starbucks coffee while complaining about paying $3.20 a gallon for gas, you should have your license revoked.

   I'm worried my cat isn't eating enough fish skeletons out of trashcans.

   my friend put me in charge of picking up the wedding cake today LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL RIP CAKE

   Whenever Adobe Flash tells me to update I download and install an even older version, that's MY revolution

   Until you lean in to hear a seven-year-old's whisper, you don't realize that front teeth act as a retaining wall for spit.

   Where did the word "etymology" come from?

   Nothing says 'neighbours' quite like stealing each others WiFi

   "Here, let me suck as much life from you as possible." -jobs

   The cat puked under my bed. Cleanup efforts only made it worse. It's time to renew our commitment to developing alternative sources of cute.

   If I’m ever on Jeopardy I hope the final category isn’t “Can You Tell These Mumford & Sons Songs Apart.”

   Kmart always smells like if Walmart was found dead in its apartment after three days.

   It's not every day you're woken up with a blow job from a beautiful woman. And today was no different.

   I wish all tests were things you peed on

   Plot twist: two birds kill YOU with one stone.

   I like to throw a fake punch at a hoooker's crotch. If she flinches, I know it's a dude.

   I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it's even weirder than you imagine.

   Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan. Me: *makes another plate of nachos*

   Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

   To be fair when I was younger I didn't really understand the difference between England and the United Kingdom. I was 12. I wasn't running a country.