Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish all tests were things you peed on

   Plot twist: two birds kill YOU with one stone.

   I like to throw a fake punch at a hoooker's crotch. If she flinches, I know it's a dude.

   I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it's even weirder than you imagine.

   Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan. Me: *makes another plate of nachos*

   Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

   To be fair when I was younger I didn't really understand the difference between England and the United Kingdom. I was 12. I wasn't running a country.

   Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.

   [School Bus Driver Interview] INTERVIEWER: What's your greatest weakness? GREEN LANTERN: {Don't say the color yellow} Um...children

   Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

   millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FR

   : Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs? Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

   Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old "gyne and dash."

   SON: I lost a tooth. I'm gonna leave it under my pillow. ME: *paying bills online* I'd wait

   Me: I miss the good old days Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope? M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit W: I despise you

   Don't waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

   When someone rings my doorbell, I'm every bit as upset as my dogs.

   therapist: what's your biggest fear me: ghost chameleons bc they have therapist: [gasps] double invisibility

   Dating in your early 20’s: Show me your abs and buy me beer. Dating in your 40’s: Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

   Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?