Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off

   so many beautiful women I went to high school with are now married to sentient camouflage hats

   Wedding photographer's slogan: Take a picture of your marriage. It will last longer.

   i miss the 1970s when you could ignore a call without even knowing who it was

   I'll sleep when my iPhone's dead.

   Sometimes I just can’t believe I am an adult with normal things like a mortgage, a job, and an overwhelming desire to drive off a cliff.

   ometimes I crash parties in a swimsuit, and tell people I'm a Reverse Lifeguard keeping an eye on the land.

   When they shoot scenes w stagecoaches in Westerns, I bet the horses think "Hey wtf? We're not supposed to have to do this sheet anymore"

   If you're drinking a Starbucks coffee while complaining about paying $3.20 a gallon for gas, you should have your license revoked.

   I'm worried my cat isn't eating enough fish skeletons out of trashcans.

   my friend put me in charge of picking up the wedding cake today LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL RIP CAKE

   Whenever Adobe Flash tells me to update I download and install an even older version, that's MY revolution

   Until you lean in to hear a seven-year-old's whisper, you don't realize that front teeth act as a retaining wall for spit.

   Where did the word "etymology" come from?

   Nothing says 'neighbours' quite like stealing each others WiFi

   "Here, let me suck as much life from you as possible." -jobs

   The cat puked under my bed. Cleanup efforts only made it worse. It's time to renew our commitment to developing alternative sources of cute.

   If I’m ever on Jeopardy I hope the final category isn’t “Can You Tell These Mumford & Sons Songs Apart.”

   Kmart always smells like if Walmart was found dead in its apartment after three days.

   It's not every day you're woken up with a blow job from a beautiful woman. And today was no different.