Funny Status Messages

   Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal* Her: smells great in there, and I hear you're playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

   Trump: “a great leader like me always keeps his opponents iin the dark”. Also Trump: “I think I’ll tweet a dozen times about my China trade strategy and exactly how it’s working”.

   Sorry, but sleeping with someone named "Stormy" doesn't make you an expert on hurricanes.

   If you grew up playing “lawn darts” with your siblings, your parents had too many kids and were trying to thin the herd.

   Garfield: I hate Mondays Therapist: You don't even have a job

   With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don't time.

   I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber

   I’m really bad at impressions but I’ll give it a shot: This is my impression of a man that went into a coma in 2014 and woke up in 2019. “Seriously? That dude? Aaand scene.

   For $250/hr I will pose as a couples counselor and tell your partner they are wrong about everything.

   I went to KFC yesterday and when I was done licking my fingers, I offered to lick other peoples fingers. Long story short. I need bail money.

   There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was is name o. So was Bingo the name of the dog or the farmer ?

   Wal-mart is now a gun-free zone. They should change their name to Target.

   I just helped my neighbor take an old rolled up carpet to the landfill. Her husband would have done it but he's out of town.

   The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.

   I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn't look like we're six days into battling a poltergeist.

   Don't you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

   Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?” Me, “Please...I have a family.”

   I drove by two different First Baptist churches today. One of them is lying.

   An elementary school teacher's most important job is to tell one kid per year they'll never amount to sh*t in order to spark their rap career

   It's all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he's driving a hearse.