Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tinder is for rookies. I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses. I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.

   I need more friends who understand that I still want to be invited but I'm not going to go.

   Rise up against E.D. The Erectial Disfuction epedemic should not be taken softly...

   I had this crazy nightmare where I actually enjoyed my job. Thank God I woke up before my boss walked in.

   For some reason, I'm encouraged to find and marry an international escort too.

   Hey, do you think the next Rocky movie will have a fight scene in the cafeteria over the thermostat?

   I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine…one, three, five, seven, nine.” I thought to myself, “How odd.”

   Can't wait for the iPhone 11 to come out that's the fastest phone I could get to check the same three apps thousand times a day.

   if your PC gets a virus from a porn site, is that a STD for computers?

   Amazon is on fire? That’s not going to mess up my Prime 2 day shipping… is it?

   Feeling cute...might buy a goalie mask and go camping later...I dunno. #FridayThe13th.

   Just cleaned up my friends list, so if you can see this post it means you've made the cut because you're special! Or my worst enemy I just want to keep an eye on....

   Shoutout to all my friends who never liked comment or say anything on Facebook, You're my heroes! But if you could do me a little favor and like this one status so I know you're still alive out and actually give a damn what I post that would be awesome.

   I grew up living paycheck to Paycheck but through hard work and perseverance, I now live Direct Deposit to Direct Deposit.

   The main difference between a nudist and a streaker is speed.

   In almost every situation, Nutella makes a great substitute for love.

   Things have changed so much like 4000 years ago if you killed a lion and could fix people's teeth you would have been the king of everything

   It's sad old people won't live to see time travel, because how bad do they want to find the jerk who carpeted over this beautiful hardwood?

   Went into the kitchen to look for pot and all I found were pans.

   Can someone write an article on millenials killing the doorbell industry by texting "here"