Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

   And the Terrible joke award goes to: An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

   Single white sock seeks same.

   It hurts when someone you love says mean things to you like, "It's time to wake up and go to work."

   No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra' and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that my wife does.

   Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.

   I am worn out today.....My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

   The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me when I was a kid but now they just whisper something stupid I did two months ago.

   Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

   Worst thing about visiting an art gallery is when my 10 year old nephew yells 'who arted' and I feel I failed as I should've thought of that joke

   When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

   I'm just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

   good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

   My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

   No, Facebook camera, I just sat on the toilet, I don't want to take a picture to commemorate the moment.

   It's with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all! My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y'all or him. So, I'm gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber ..

   Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal* Her: smells great in there, and I hear you're playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

   Trump: “a great leader like me always keeps his opponents iin the dark”. Also Trump: “I think I’ll tweet a dozen times about my China trade strategy and exactly how it’s working”.

   Sorry, but sleeping with someone named "Stormy" doesn't make you an expert on hurricanes.

   If you grew up playing “lawn darts” with your siblings, your parents had too many kids and were trying to thin the herd.