Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 610 of 6446

You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.
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09-06-2019 12:35
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Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
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09-06-2019 12:35
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My newly wed neighbor man asked me about marriage.... I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
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09-06-2019 12:35
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In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
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09-06-2019 12:34
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An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
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09-06-2019 12:33
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And the Terrible joke award goes to: An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
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09-06-2019 12:33
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Single white sock seeks same.
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09-06-2019 12:31
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It hurts when someone you love says mean things to you like, "It's time to wake up and go to work."
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09-06-2019 12:30
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No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra' and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that my wife does.
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09-06-2019 12:29
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Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
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09-06-2019 12:27
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I am worn out today.....My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
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09-06-2019 12:25
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The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me when I was a kid but now they just whisper something stupid I did two months ago.
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09-06-2019 12:24
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Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
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09-06-2019 12:20
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Worst thing about visiting an art gallery is when my 10 year old nephew yells 'who arted' and I feel I failed as I should've thought of that joke
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09-06-2019 12:19
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When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
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09-06-2019 12:17
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I'm just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
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09-06-2019 12:17
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good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
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09-06-2019 12:17
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My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
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09-06-2019 12:16
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No, Facebook camera, I just sat on the toilet, I don't want to take a picture to commemorate the moment.
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09-06-2019 12:15
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It's with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all! My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y'all or him. So, I'm gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber ..
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09-06-2019 12:15
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