Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I knew I was going bald 5 years ago when it took longer and longer to wash my face.
←Rate | 09-10-2019 08:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon me: *running around the operating room in circles screaming* patient: who's that? nurse: your trauma surgeon patient: wow he's good
←Rate | 09-10-2019 08:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I bet a lot of optometrists retire next year, you know... 2020.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 17:05 by SKB Comments (0)  


   messageicon Seems like somebody should have sued producers of "The Neverending Story" for false advertising
←Rate | 09-09-2019 16:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The SPCA needs to open a bar. I know a ton of guys that bring home dogs from the bar.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I knew I was going bald when it took longer and longer to wash my face.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon OMG you guys!! I have abs . . . . . . ...olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Canada brought you Nickelback. Now you know why Canadians are sorry.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon That moment of sheer panic when you're wrist deep in the Pringles can, and you begin rehearsing your story for the ER attendant.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my— Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wife: I swear, it's like you never even listen to me!!! Me: Sounds great, Dear.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest. “No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon me: *having prostate examination* doc: omg, when was this last wiped? me: WHAT doc: *pointing to dust on table* I must speak to the cleaning lady
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: *trying to hock a loogie* Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If anyone wants to know why parents dont sleep, it's the foot in your nose at 00:39
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I started a new drinking game. I drink a shot everytime Trump tells the truth. I've been sober for 2 years now.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love my new phone that beeps and lights up every couple minutes to let me know it's battery needs charged before It uses up the last of its power to vibrate in a finely death quiver.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 03:43 Comments (0)  




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