Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my— Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

   Wife: I swear, it's like you never even listen to me!!! Me: Sounds great, Dear.

   Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

   As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest. “No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

   I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

   me: *having prostate examination* doc: omg, when was this last wiped? me: WHAT doc: *pointing to dust on table* I must speak to the cleaning lady

   Me: *trying to hock a loogie* Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

   If anyone wants to know why parents dont sleep, it's the foot in your nose at 00:39

   I started a new drinking game. I drink a shot everytime Trump tells the truth. I've been sober for 2 years now.

   I love my new phone that beeps and lights up every couple minutes to let me know it's battery needs charged before It uses up the last of its power to vibrate in a finely death quiver.

   Give her flowers. Women love watching a slow death.

   Im sorry ladies, but life is not a fairy tale, and If you lose your shoe after midnight it means, well, you’re drunk.

   Dorian just made landfall in Alabama and somehow made things better.

   US Open Woman's Tennis trophy. Made in the USA, now Canadian owned!

   Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?

   If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan

   You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.

   Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.

   My newly wed neighbor man asked me about marriage.... I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

   In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.