Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I'm eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

   ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here! KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

   Someone just caught me picking my nose at a stop light. Had to just cut my losses and run the red light.

   thank you for the funny jokes and tweets again.. ahhhhh

   Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

   Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say "Over there."

   My current wife doesn't like when I call her that

   Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

   Once, just once, I'd like to be able to use the word skedaddling in an everyday conversation.

   my roommate broke up with his girlfriend last night at a fancy restaurant and she started bawling.... everyone thought he proposed to her and started clapping.

   ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

   Guess who just bragged about what they did the day of September 11 and made it about them.

   I just read a statistic that someone gets hit by a car every eight seconds. That guy must be hurtin', man.

   Vaping doesn't kill people, people kills people.

   Copy and Paste this status if you think Spectrum needs to learn what a "Limited-time Offer" means and needs stop sending us never ending letters in the mail telling us that.

   Tell me your dreams and fantasies! Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

   Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

   The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

   Dear Hollywood, If you want to make your zombie movies more realistic you need to stop creating zombies with scars unless you expect us to believe someone is stitching them up.

   wouldn't it be nice if the past 2 1/2 years turn out to be an episode of Punk'd