Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to go big AND go home.

   Life is like a box of chocolates you never know which one you going to get, if you can't follow directions and just look at the little chart on the back of the box.

   I'm so old that my family tree starts with me.

   OK. What genius decided to call it a Corn Dog and not a Meat Twinkie?

   Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

   Yes, I'm a chick magnet. The problem is, I'm the side that repels. FML.

   If you have time to golf during a national emergency, I guess you must be doing something right.

   The best sign of a intimate relationship are no pictures of it on Facebook.

   Can you get fired for wearing leather pants to work?

   Just gave a huge pile of laundry the finger while I walked past it

   Want to meet eligible singles in your area? Then mill around the Valentine candy clearance aisle.

   Kentucky man catches 20lb goldfish. Bet that willbe hard to flush down the toilet.

   I think I am going to declare a Family Emergency and appropriate funds from other parts of our family budget and use them to buy beer.

   The pet shop owner told me the bird cage wasn't made out of nickel. I guess that makes it a Nickeless Cage.

   There's something just really wrong about 2 for the price of 1 Valinetimes day cards that say "Nobody makes me smile like you do" :(

   Cupid is the perfect symbol for Valentine's Day. Because nothing fills me with love more than a fat baby firing arrows at my butt.

   St Peter: "so..how did you die?" Me: "I was sat on a beanbag and the house caught fire"

   insider trading tip...tomorrow's Energizer & Duracell stocks go down some

   If he say he is busy on valentines day, you're the other woman.

   Vegan: Pigs are one of the smartest animals, how can you eat them? Me: 2 out of 3 of them build their houses out of $hit materials...