Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do recipes say to "preheat oven?" Shouldn't it just be "heat oven?"

   Yo Jussie...this $3,500 check bounced!

   Facebook - The only place in the world you can be social while being antisocial.

   Was kind of surprised at all the swearing when I unplugged the church organ to charge my phone?

   Never laugh at your wife's choices. You're one of them.

   Beer bottle: "Break me and you get one year bad luck." Mirror: "Are you kidding, break me you get seven years bad luck." Condom: Ha ha ha, and walks away.

   I think politeness is important. That's why I offer my seat to a lady when I get off the bus.

   DOCTOR: why do you think you need this medication? ME: I saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

   I'm Steven Tyler's scarf manager.

   If the fate of the world ever rests on knowing 80s music lyrics, call me.

   Ladies; If he doesn't want to watch you masturbate he's not that into you....or girls

   What kind of psycho wears pants in their own home?

   The only thing Flat-Earthers have to fear is sphere itself.

   Rain rain go away so I don't waste all my time staring at Facebook all day.

   A couples finances in a relationship. Woman: the money I make is my money.The money he makes is our money.

   In the 70s Volkwagen owners use to say "Home is Where The Bus Is...." But owning a old bus nowadays is more like Home Is Wherever the Bus is Broken Down.

   Wish every project I start was as easily finished as in the how to videos.

   I drank a six pack of Chinese beer earlier, ...now the room smells like fireworks.

   Just got done knockin boots! Alright fine, I just used a broom to brush the snow off of my sandals...

   Dance like no one's watching! Just be careful of the creepy guy in the corner with the video camera who hasn't moved all night who wants the make you famous on YouTube.