Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's sad old people won't live to see time travel, because how bad do they want to find the jerk who carpeted over this beautiful hardwood?

   Went into the kitchen to look for pot and all I found were pans.

   Can someone write an article on millenials killing the doorbell industry by texting "here"

   A Cheerio just fell out of my bra, and suddenly I realize food gets more action than I do.

   If you post a pic of the temperature in your car on Facebook the University of Phoenix will email you a Meteorology degree.

   As a Fat bottomed girl, I'm not sure how we're expected to make the Rockin' world go round. That sounds *way* too much like exercise to me

   60 Minutes would be a better show if they played that ticking noise the entire time.

   Remember those girls in college who neatly highlighted all of their text books in pink? They work at the cosmetic counter at Macy’s now.

   I'm no scientist, but wouldnt fat bottomed girls, if anything, slow the rocking world down?

   One crazy fantasy I have is having any energy to do things after work.

   How about a really bad food court where planes land? – Pitch for every airport

   The fancier the design on the back pocket of the jeans, the less fancy the person.

   @shanethevein It's not so much that I'm a KE$HA hater, its more of the fact that I'm a music lover.

   I'm not in a relation"ship," I'm in a relation"barge" that's towing emotional garbage all day long.

   Did this many people have birthdays before Facebook?

   Maybe the Mayan world-ending prediction in 2012 was more of a suggestion

   spotted six Pokémon today but I don't have the app so I may need new meds..

   Teacher: You failed your exam. Student: You failed to teach me.

   Trump’s more of a basketball guy. Can’t get enough of the Spurs.

   Children are the future..... but probably not your children.